November 20, 2017 (2) remorse

So, yesterday I ate. 

…I lasted two days in the previous fast. Kinda pathetic really. I didn’t really even want to eat. 

At the park named Forsyth, I sat in the car and planned the afternoon. Saying, “if the juice store has wheatgrass, I’ll buy a double-shot” and “if they’re out, perhaps a juice.”  

Brighter Day has stopped carrying wheatgrass. Ughhh, okay, I’ll be back in a half hour. 

…yet I remained in the park with the other girls who came around doing yoga also. I lasted an hour and a half it seems. And then the deli at BD was closed early!!! Double-Ughhh!!!

“Well now what? Do I eat? I’m pretty hungry after the smelly bacon and the soup scents in the deli.”

So, I then thought: I will go weigh at Kroger, on the industrial scale, and if I’m down to say 196 lbs. — I will eat. 

there’s no scale… Ughhh…I ended with light popcorn and a drink and something. It was all under 1,000 calories. Not bad. 

…though at Huddle House, after visiting church, I got the MVP. Ate waffle & syrup, eggs, grits, biscuits & sawmill gravy. Gave the bacon to Dad. 

It sits like crumbling bricks in the bowels. Immediately, the sensation of bloat is acknowledged. The crash of sugar and bread wasn’t too awful after years of trial & error with diets, but it still was not pleasant. I lounged in the sunshine at an abandoned parking lot and let my system settle before moving onward. 

Later, an hour or such ago, I had the desire to eat. To eat junk. Out of curiosity — more than from any other reason. Curious to see how a food would set in the stomach. Ending up with cinnamon toast: heavy butter & honey in place of sugar on white toast. Delicious

…I am practically sick now. I would puke it up if it weren’t such a vile act. 

…I am too interested in the study of it all. I must push the boundaries to these things, but I already knew what the results would be. 

So… why — then?

Truth is my aim. Insight is the goal. Wisdom through discovery and trial. These things are what I crave. The food is only the tool. 

My experiment needs to be carried out to s full scale version. I need to push my borders and discover new limits. I already have known that breaking a fast too quickly is dangerous — and since I always push that line, I fear that coming off a long fast needs a more controlled exit plan than is in the current. 

…during the fast, an environment of peace surrounds me  — to such a degree that I can watch others eat. I can watch them eat delicious food; food that I am attempting to fully abolish from my diet (meat). I savored the scents and tried to chat. 

…Yet nobody will just let you watch. They prod you to eat. “You sure you don’t want the bacon?”

……give me a break and stop asking!!!!!

…of course I want the bacon!! Bacon is one of the best smelling foods in the world. But I cannot sit here and allow you to trample on my intentions. I’m not practiced like a monk and I am not disgusted by meat-eaters — I just don’t want to have to keep bending the truth. Cause the answer yes or no does not fit the bill when you ask, “are you sure you don’t want any bacon?”

I’m a LIER if I say no. 

…I will want to eat it if I say yes. 

…just respect my initial answer and quit harassing me to eat the cute little pig — even if she is delicious. 

Far as the fast goes, I’ve been aiming to leave the area for this reason: to fast in peace. It really is difficult enough, alone. It is much much more difficult when people want you to eat. 

…I also have zero desire to explain a reason for my actions unless you have actual desire to gain insight from my experience. 

…It isn’t obvious by looking at my lifestyle, but I loathe wasting time and breathe. It is miserable to explain a topic that is dear to my heart as idle chat. My answer will take an easy twenty minutes before I make any sense to you. An hour before our perceptions cross and much longer for connection.

……if this is attempted after two days of zero food in the tummy, then I am likely in a place of calm and will be willing to chat. But I’m not practiced in explanation of these things. The balling-up from several branches of reasoning, to concoct the whole story, and staying on topic, and having diagrams, drawings, pictures, and other resources does take a long while to do.

…I’ve watched probably 3-500 hours of YouTube videos over two months and listened to an additional array of podcasts covering another 50 or so hours in the same span. Along with years of other topics to add to my devotion of understanding. 

… the conversation wouldn’t be short. Or rather, I may scare you. I think I scared a guy on Saturday actually. I told him of the variety of topics. But we were cut short due to time. And he was already nearly on my vibration. 

Enough for now, think I may sleep a bit. 

2:30am, early Moonday morning 

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