Fit as a Fiddle 

As a child, a person is normally more fit than they will ever be. With flexibility ruling their joints, a bounce to the bones, and ignorant faith of ability, a child will attempt anything thought possible. 

Normally if hurt and with proper guidance and support, the child can heal rapidly from any injuries and rarely become broken for acute injury. No time has built issues from poor diet or mismanagement of physical ability. Play and curiosity is their whole world and lends towards freedom from stresses. They haven’t the buildup of toxic gunk in the body from misuse. They are practically in perfect health and love to spin in circles, cartwheels, and chase. 

All of these things are typically lost from adults and rarely do those search for a way back. My goal, or at least one of my physical goals is to re-achieve that ability. The ability to do cartwheels and spin like a ballerina. To sprint across the yard for fun in chase games. To bring my body back to that bouncy strength and keep pace with the children around me. 

Today, that goal is in sight as I feel a surge of power and know how it came. I know what to do. I can see the path to get there and unlike the driving force that is required to earn a degree, persue a career, or become wealthy, the only drive I need is the motivation to have fun!

…all the tips and tricks have not been learnt, though the essential elements have surfaced. With further experimentation, success will be reached. The success of youth restored. Of disease an illness as a memory or a case of sorrow for those around me that care not of the advice. 

I cannot expect friends or family to listen. You are the last to ever listen because you have always known me and believe your own version of my truth, because you think I’m nuts and blessed with great genes (or cursed by mental illness). Even Jesus didn’t work many miracles in his home town — they couldn’t imagine what he was. If even a character as such is not revered at home, then I have no chance of promoting equal wellness of my home. Only of I. 

Not to get into a mood of sorrow — only to show the point. My message is taken by acquaintances with quickness while my friends shake their heads in silent laughter. To that point — I shake my head in return, silently praying they come to terms with this world’s knowledge. I have FREED MYSELF from the burden of care. Not that “I don’t care, cause I do”, but the burden to change those around me is not within my psyche (anymore). I have released it recently and I will stop pushing for those changes when I explain. You very likely will never admit that I am correct while remaining ignorant of Truth. 

I AM EXCITED THAT I CAN DO A HEADSTAND. That I can roll and flip over grass. Walk barefooted across roots and asphalt. Balance on one leg. Spin without puking. Cross my eyes and laugh. Perform backbends and crabwalk (not quite yet). I AM EXCITED TO BE EXCITED.

I’m thankful for each day and the problems to surface even when the problems aren’t wanted. I do want problems to solve and aim for those problems to not be my own. I want my problems to surface so that I may quickly extinguish them and so I can go solve others’ problems and have that fun. 

I’m thankful of my abilities and the drive to gain more. My talents waste away when out of use, though the connections created will remain for a lifetime while others build. Wisdom is a goal, to the effect of which I feel dumbfounded to realize my ultimate course of mastership, if any. 

Just a lone wanderer with ability to jump into any situation to assist in scrambling the pieces until a pattern emerges and the work begins anew. With new direction, the solution emerges and while they turn to ask for help in the building, I am free to find another problem to puzzle and ponder. 

…how did i change topics?? It always happens!!!!!!!!

morning bath time (errr post noon bath)

Sunday, 12:26pm, 12.10.17

Blood Pressure Check 

Here is the last time from 9.4.17 for reference. And the picture from then:


I’m chilled out, barely eaten. Dark chocolate and honey only with some coconut water. Did some deep breathing exercises an hour ago for a half hour. 

I’m about to go to my first introduction to Reiki. I went to Foodlion to poop and only had a long fart. Long like nine full seconds. The stall over laughed when I did so!!! Hahahaha wooooo!!!! But no poo, just peewww. 

Here’s blood pressure update:

  • 111 systolic 
  • 76 diastolic 
  • 66 pulse

Changes: 

  • -5 systolic 
  • O change diastolic 
  • -13 pulse

Very nice eh??!!!

I guess, I feel great and is all I care, but people want data!!

6:58, 12.6.17, Wednesday night 

LOWEST WEIGHT SINCE 11TH GRADE!!!

Not like I’m actually trying, but I’m down below what I weighed when I was in high school. 

I’m down to 193 pounds as of yesterday and holding until today. Woopitidy doo kinda but it’s neat. Especially in how it occurred. 

I had been holding at 199 for a couple weeks. I fasted a couple few days in there, eating sparsely or fairly at times, even gluttonous at times. And then during last week, my water fast lasted three days (72 hrs). 

Yet during the fasting, my weight held at 199 (plus or minus six pounds due to hydration/urination levels). 

Then the following two days, I ate moderately as I had during Thanksgiving week. The weight held on day 1, but then dropped on day 2 and now on day 3 stays at 193. 

So, in other words: my weight only dropped after the fast ended AND only after eating several times. This is quite interesting to me. 

The light weight is great because I feel fitter and stronger than before. And my waste is very likely down nearly another pant size. 

*I may go try on size 32 pants today for an experiment and some vain fun. 

3:51pm, Monday, 12.4.17

6:44 monday in the am

I awake and continue to search for answers which I feel I dreamt of tonight, yet I barely remember the context of those dreams. I let it slip away but the edge of the dream hangs on where I see an outer spiral, like the tower of Babel or a skyscraper. 

I continue to analyze myself instead of the subject because I know of my own subtle connections with the issues and do wonder if there is actually connection or if that I am stretching my truth. The idea in mind that I remain to note, even for weeks, occurs more now and has to do with my dreams. 

Of the reasons which I continue to use my medicine. The medicine of the gods that happens to be illegal to man in ironic fashion. Of my reasoning is to suppress the onslaught of dreams, though the madness still comes through in vivid detail and imagination. I enjoy the sensation of the substance, yet when in sobriety from this substance, my intentions for the herb morph into the medical without worrying over the sensation or mood that I prefer as well. 

In sobriety, as I have found during six-month stretches of legal probation and where I am paranoid enough about prison that I abandon my own sanity for the sake of my future. I always felt more punished in my sleep by these probationary rules than by any of the other rules or fines and the whole scenario feels unjust while I remain fighting my own battles each night. 

I recall visions so real and vivid that I have wondered of the truth with days or years of rest beyond waking. The dreams remain and occasionally I revisit them to examine in my memory. I wonder of the significance, if any. I ponder on the reasons or of even the shapes of the clouds or their colors. Recalling the guests and critiquing intentent. 

Yet, I continue on with my medicine in order to leave the veil in place. Though, lately I’ve been tempted to lift it, but in doing so, I’ll be tormented possibly by frightening experiences each night or not scary but thrilling or overwhelmingly interesting. The spread of emotions upon waking would range from sad to happy and scared, exalted, proud, or of any spectrum of fear, anxiety, joy, or elation. And people wonder why I’m a pothead. 

I wonder how they aren’t. I wonder what their dreams can be. In that do they often wake soaked in sweat, swaddled in fear and joy, with a bow of confusion placed on top to signify a gift. Yet is it a gift or a punishment? 

…If the punishment were the case, then why punish a small child? As these vivid dreams did not begin in adulthood, but continued on. The fact in which I don’t discuss is due to repression though now in my path, I am tempted to stop or slow to see the dreams re-emerge so that I may analyze for myself and with the hordes of new insight and intellect and possible wisdom that I’ve gained. 

This is all a side note and I will NOT be attempting this in this week because I have enough confusion and prefer to continue down the path of information collection and save the fast from my medicine for a time in which I have complete control over my surroundings and lifestyle and can then enjoy the freedom to embrace the dreams and to discover if there have been truths hiding there all along. 

As a final note, my dreams remain vivid, but when I’m not smoking — the dreams are not best described as vivid, but as and to the effect that life (itself) is vivid while the dream is the actual life. As if now, here and writing feels more like a dream. 

7:24am, monday, 12.4.17

My house Un Progress 

It was a dream I realize as I lie here and think of the non progress of my house. Dreamt of the front wall knocked out with flooring removed and a hole in the wall. An extra dog held in a pen that my house had become where no work had been completed. 

Only within the dream the house was not mine; it was not recognizable. However the wall that was knocked out was due to my car which was parked within the wall. How did I manage this feat? In the dream, I was stumped, puzzled, and dumbfounded at the marvel. Also, the car managed to pass the exterior wall through a set of French doors who were unscathed by the wreck.

Once again, I could only wonder at how this happened, yet all that could be done was leave the car inside until speaking with the tenant for a clue. 

After awakening and lying here watching a video did this dream surface. Out of the blue, I realize that dream and ponder the significance. I only discovered the house and its condition by violating the privacy of my tenant, even though the tenant is not living there yet… only repairing for now, as in real life. 

11:55am, Wednesday, 11.29.17

November 20, 2017 (2) remorse

So, yesterday I ate. 

…I lasted two days in the previous fast. Kinda pathetic really. I didn’t really even want to eat. 

At the park named Forsyth, I sat in the car and planned the afternoon. Saying, “if the juice store has wheatgrass, I’ll buy a double-shot” and “if they’re out, perhaps a juice.”  

Brighter Day has stopped carrying wheatgrass. Ughhh, okay, I’ll be back in a half hour. 

…yet I remained in the park with the other girls who came around doing yoga also. I lasted an hour and a half it seems. And then the deli at BD was closed early!!! Double-Ughhh!!!

“Well now what? Do I eat? I’m pretty hungry after the smelly bacon and the soup scents in the deli.”

So, I then thought: I will go weigh at Kroger, on the industrial scale, and if I’m down to say 196 lbs. — I will eat. 

there’s no scale… Ughhh…I ended with light popcorn and a drink and something. It was all under 1,000 calories. Not bad. 

…though at Huddle House, after visiting church, I got the MVP. Ate waffle & syrup, eggs, grits, biscuits & sawmill gravy. Gave the bacon to Dad. 

It sits like crumbling bricks in the bowels. Immediately, the sensation of bloat is acknowledged. The crash of sugar and bread wasn’t too awful after years of trial & error with diets, but it still was not pleasant. I lounged in the sunshine at an abandoned parking lot and let my system settle before moving onward. 

Later, an hour or such ago, I had the desire to eat. To eat junk. Out of curiosity — more than from any other reason. Curious to see how a food would set in the stomach. Ending up with cinnamon toast: heavy butter & honey in place of sugar on white toast. Delicious

…I am practically sick now. I would puke it up if it weren’t such a vile act. 

…I am too interested in the study of it all. I must push the boundaries to these things, but I already knew what the results would be. 

So… why — then?

Truth is my aim. Insight is the goal. Wisdom through discovery and trial. These things are what I crave. The food is only the tool. 

My experiment needs to be carried out to s full scale version. I need to push my borders and discover new limits. I already have known that breaking a fast too quickly is dangerous — and since I always push that line, I fear that coming off a long fast needs a more controlled exit plan than is in the current. 

…during the fast, an environment of peace surrounds me  — to such a degree that I can watch others eat. I can watch them eat delicious food; food that I am attempting to fully abolish from my diet (meat). I savored the scents and tried to chat. 

…Yet nobody will just let you watch. They prod you to eat. “You sure you don’t want the bacon?”

……give me a break and stop asking!!!!!

…of course I want the bacon!! Bacon is one of the best smelling foods in the world. But I cannot sit here and allow you to trample on my intentions. I’m not practiced like a monk and I am not disgusted by meat-eaters — I just don’t want to have to keep bending the truth. Cause the answer yes or no does not fit the bill when you ask, “are you sure you don’t want any bacon?”

I’m a LIER if I say no. 

…I will want to eat it if I say yes. 

…just respect my initial answer and quit harassing me to eat the cute little pig — even if she is delicious. 

Far as the fast goes, I’ve been aiming to leave the area for this reason: to fast in peace. It really is difficult enough, alone. It is much much more difficult when people want you to eat. 

…I also have zero desire to explain a reason for my actions unless you have actual desire to gain insight from my experience. 

…It isn’t obvious by looking at my lifestyle, but I loathe wasting time and breathe. It is miserable to explain a topic that is dear to my heart as idle chat. My answer will take an easy twenty minutes before I make any sense to you. An hour before our perceptions cross and much longer for connection.

……if this is attempted after two days of zero food in the tummy, then I am likely in a place of calm and will be willing to chat. But I’m not practiced in explanation of these things. The balling-up from several branches of reasoning, to concoct the whole story, and staying on topic, and having diagrams, drawings, pictures, and other resources does take a long while to do.

…I’ve watched probably 3-500 hours of YouTube videos over two months and listened to an additional array of podcasts covering another 50 or so hours in the same span. Along with years of other topics to add to my devotion of understanding. 

… the conversation wouldn’t be short. Or rather, I may scare you. I think I scared a guy on Saturday actually. I told him of the variety of topics. But we were cut short due to time. And he was already nearly on my vibration. 

Enough for now, think I may sleep a bit. 

2:30am, early Moonday morning 

November 18, 2017 (2)

Yeah, so just did breathing exercises while I stretched in a hardcore fashion at Forsyth. 

  • Splits, bends, twists, but no standing pose junk, excepting the side splits 
  • Headstands a few times 

It’s about prime time for staring at the sun; gonna go back out there for a few. Lately, I’ve been seeing others doing yoga, headstands, and crap. Today — three ladies besides me were spread around. The park is packed to the gills right now. Cool to see others trying yoga out in public in the sunshine. It’s practically been only me for the last couple years. Not that I do full yoga, but near enough. 

…and hmmmm, do I want a juice now, maybe even mexican food tonight…man I’m hungry or a baked tator from Dicky’s…ahhh man I’m getting hungry 

4:28pm