The most depressing thing

Well, I suppose not more depressing than losing a loved one, but seems pretty close at times. Losing the job sucks, but it is super frustrating and depressing to look for a new job. Thankfully, I get unemployment insurance to assist the budget during the transition, but it barely covers anything. And now I’m basically grounded due to having no car. 

Bored out of my mind, stuck in a place where virtually nothing is within walking distance. There’s zero obvious sources to gain training for a new position. School is on its own schedule–as it isn’t ready to enroll now, but even if it was, the cost is prohibitive. I’m not even aware of any institution willing to assist with unemployment training or even resources to assist with finding a new job — the State’s system is rediculous as expected. 

With 12 weeks of UI (income), you would think that would be plenty time, but with the last lay-off taking 1 year and completion of an associate degree to gain a job — it is daunting to wait again for acceptance. Each day only brings more fear and frustration and each rejection brings more anxiety; causing me to lose faith in my hopes of gainful employment. 

The idea to return to school or change career trajectory sounds better with each passing day and so does the idea of full bankruptcy, though it is not wanted. If only there wasn’t the stupid debt hanging on my shoulders or the not-real debt to mom/dad that weighs on me, or the expectations to pull-through with ease. It ain’t easy. I’ve watched a dozen folks move to better job positions over the last couple years and while I’ve been tossing resumes out for over a year–it’s depressing to see no change. 

The hope rose a year ago when positions I appear qualified for seemed willing to hire, but never do. Then rose again, months later, when my experience rose to the 3-year mark. Then again at the 4-year mark. But it doesn’t seem to have any significance towards landing a new role. Especially due to the fact that my latest position was not at all what was described by my position of Manufacturing Engineer. Since I was actually a Tooling Designer, without the title, my duties do not match the typical duties of a ME. Mind you the other manufacturing engineers that I worked beside, weren’t doing a ME role either, as they were stuck doing Process Engineer duties 95% of the time. We all basically got screwed over. 

Eh, getting stuck, bored, hopeless, and more worthless feeling with each passing day is the worst effect of being laidoff with zero warning. I got to weld at a friends’ house yesterday–certainly helped on yesterday, but now to wait a full week to do it again (if even able to this week) is pretty darn depressing itself. 

…heck, I wasn’t nearly as depressed in Colorado — and I lived in a truck at Walmarts and Truck stops… being stuck just kills me. 


Home Again 

I’m back from Colorado. Spent a couple weeks trying to clear my mind while taking advantage of the miserable experience of losing a job. 

I’ve been applying at many design jobs with no luck obvious in sight. I had several plans of finding a bicycle, a cheap room for rent, and ultimately a place to settle into for a month of real attempts at applying to local jobs. It would have taken a couple weeks to settle-in with the GDOL payments, as they are fairly minimal in financial assistance. Yet it could have worked out. 

I had almost stayed and I might should have stayed, but I really wanted to see my cousin in the Savage race and try my own worth on its course.

…Tuesday (9/19/17), I had been thinking about all of this for hours; pondering on my position of travels. I had not been entirely sure on location to stay, possibilities for training/education, and several other lifestyle oriented questions like what I could do for a couple weeks during the transition to a situation that could lead to the goal. I made several attempts at buying a bike, yet none worked out to be within an hour drive (20 miles is an hour drive in Denver) or within budget. Then I drove a few miles from my home-base to a park where there is a pull-up bar. I did some stretching, some breathe training, a couple (as if I can do more than a couple!!) chin-ups and headed out before my hour on the parking meter timed out. 

…I began to aimlessly drift to another State Park, thinking maybe I should just go back for the race, check-in on the house post-storm, try to find some thing productive to do, and take a good long bath. I picked the phone off the seat to look at the map and the time was 11:11. So my nutcase brain says “there’s you a sign” and so I just left. 

You could say that was an impromptu decision, but I am constantly thinking about what could be next. That decision was made from the heart more than by the brain. The heart — the gut is what it is. 

…an exerpt from And here’s a link to an Alan Watts audio version on YouTube. Listen to Alan, it is the best way to take in the tale. 

…when I’m in transition or unsure of what is next this poem comes to mind and sometimes even cry over its meaning. It is one of my favorite stories or lesson in life that helps me see what is actually important. Helps to reflect on what could be and what also could be, instead. Honestly, just bawled a bit thinking of the consequences of now. 

The gut lets Maybe happen. It allows me to make impromptu decisions and balances past mistakes with the possibility of worse mistakes that were never made. Maybe is always; it lets me live in my moment, whatever that is to be. To remain in that state of thankfulness is my ambition for it could be much worse if I harped on misfortune as it seems in the moment. I am not devistated due to a job-loss and I try to stay thankful to its end as whatever challenge awaits must be grander, it always is. It’s always worse before it’s better, but it’s always better if I allow options to flow through. 

…After the initial stage of I can’t believe this is happening again, it was moments before I said a little prayer and thanks to setting me free of my bondage. I’m free to explore options once again and even though the situation is bleak – it is not dire. I have a broad horizon of goals that I’d be happy to aim for any of them. Maybe. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. 

…back in GA, sitting in my recliner, in my house, I don’t want to be here. I want to be gone, creating something new, living in a different climate and atmosphere, I want to go back to the CO for a while. But I’m stuck, trying to make the best of it and take use of friends and family and enjoy it while I’m here again. I’d like to get a job in MI, ND, CO, WA, or anywhere really. I’d like to see a new area where I can explore and train in my current ambitions and devotions. I want to see how the people on the west coast live, live amongst the Yankees in the snow, or even visit Alaska for a much different experience. A great design job sounds perfect, but Maybe a welding job or something else. Perhaps even more schooling. 

…But tomorrow, I plan to go TIG & STICK weld at a friend’s house. Test my old skills and see how I could fare at that work again. Maybe I’ll become a professional welder and get on a team to work around the country repairing industrial plants. That sounds extremely appealing to me as of now. 

Home again. I didn’t plan to have a Maybe theme. It was bound to happen at some point. I’m always home, isn’t it where the heart is? The gut is your heart and I follow it — I’m pretty much always home. 

9/22/17, Friday 11:24am