November 9, 2017 (2)

I definitely want that job. 

But I have doubts about gaining it. 

Yet, the doubts are not overwhelming. 

Because I really don’t care if I get this job. 

  • Financially, this job will be a superb step for me. 
  • Career-wise, this job will be fantastic for the resume and project me on to a path to gain the next tooling position with ease.

Yet, I really don’t care. 

Something else will turn-up if this doesn’t work. I am trying to gain a great job that will fit my sensibilities and fill my pockets with cash. It will be fantastic to be able to get back into my financial plan from years ago, where I can quickly save cash to invest and have my reserves built to support my base expenses. This gets less with each passing year, relatively, inflation is crazy. 

…my reasons for not caring, put in public view. Well, barely public, not many eyes on this. Only a few eyes and yet I know the majority. But a change in my life view is occurring once again and I feel a bit nuts for stating these things, especially in front of you few. It’s like coming out the closet in a way, but I ain’t homosexual and can’t say it is the same. Similar. After being in one mode for a long time, with folks seeing me one way, or several ways, but not this way. It is always unnerving to reveal your reality. 

…not like I will reveal much as I have said before. Not that bold yet, or proven in my way. I don’t even talk about diet regimes until I’ve fully investigated AND experimented with. 

…it was shocking enough to see reactions of others when I first went on a high fat diet. I was sautéing vegetables and meats all together and eating them while dripping of grease. Spoonfuls of coconut oil and sipping olive oil from the bottle. 

…or when I morphed to a steak & cheese diet for weeks. Every Gulfstream coworker drooled when I walked my steak and cheese back to my cubicle. But all were shocked when I told them the reasons and that this was as much a study as a delicious alternative to the mainstream diet. Each person was a little scared for me. 

…even when changing to a vegetarian diet for weeks on end. “You know you are going to die, right”, was the overall suggestion. Perhaps, “you are going to lose all your muscle because you aren’t getting protein”. Yet I was making solid gains, weekly, in the gym. 

…how bout the first fast — the Daniel Fast. This fast is fashioned after Daniel in the Bible, where he decides or is inclined by God to eat as a vegan (but not called vegan) during the initial stay in the palace. He forsook the breads, meats, and desserts and everyone laughed at him. I believe he was training with the soldiers and ended up in better condition than the rest over a three week period (not sure on time or actual story). So, anyway, it is real. People will laugh at you for eating off of the normal path — even if — maybe even — especially if it is a more healthful lifestyle. 

…then, imagine the reactions to my first bowel cleanse. My oh my, how does the term bowel cleanse make so many people cringe? Have they no bowels or do they really think that the guts do not need maintenance? That cleanliness (there) goes an extremely long ways towards building better health.

……it is really difficult finding anyone to speak with about these things. It’s gross somehow. As if you don’t wipe poop off your buttocks every day of life. You are already a disgusting animal that produces nasty turds. How does a bowel cleanse gross you out after realizing that fact?

……the cleanse was highly researched. But after a meat and cheese diet — I definitely needed to try it. After your eyes are opened to a life altering, perception changing bit of knowledge, how do you not persue the path? 

…then the mother of all diets that frightens the rest of humanity. The water fast is that ma’am. She will change the dynamic of your view on standard eating practices, specialized diets, social norms, and society itself. This forces you to realize the amazing power of the body. The practical nature of the body is amazing and somehow learns to be more efficient with each cycle. 

……The first fast will produce the worst results because your body has been retarded by an abundance of food. It has never had the opportunity to go without food. Not only that, but the food it got was usually over-abundant. It really has no clue in how to cope without food. Until you finally challenge it, the body will never know its full potential; stuck in a never ending cycle of a supply of food, whether nutritionally sound or not — it really doesn’t matter. 

……Your body wants a break, but it really has been retarded by ignorance. AND it really is not any of our own faults, except that we never searched for the truth. 

All of these diet experiments aren’t the full scope of my research, the first decade of research dealt with the mainstream view. You know: vitamins, protein, low sugar, high meat, high starch (basically how the Muscle & Fitness magazines recommend. That and nutritionists’ schooling and research. 

…yet I’ve grown and developed my knowledge. Folks think I’m the retarded one for not knowing this stuff, but the reality is that I’ve done tons of research. 

…I have been dumping old information for new for years. I’ve read several of the driest books on vitamins and nutrition that have ever been published. As foundation, these books were life-altering. The information allowed the base for the good stuff, as for comparison to what also has a lot of truth to it, yet allows far too many ideas and concepts to be driven home as facts. 

……ahh but those facts are being proven untrue with each passing year. Or that these facts were actually just partially the answer to questions that have an answer that is still unknown. Though the “fact” was true, it failed to show the full scope of benefits or range of benefits that is actually possible. 

…In my own view, if say protien is required at high levels to build and maintain muscle… then how am I not frail yet? I’ve eaten (I’ve lost track) around 30% of my “required calories” over the last three weeks. While I have certainly lost weight, I have gained strength.

……how did I get the required protein? 

……I haven’t eaten meat, except for two or three times at most in these three weeks. I’m guessing that the mostly vegan diet is very low protein. 

……so why haven’t I lost muscle, strength, or endurance?

Because that load of crap that your government is teaching you is bullshit. All of it. Not a bit of nutritional information that is guided by our government is in any way healthful. 

…that goes for colleges and universities. It is mostly hogwash. 

Ahh, where was I?

One thing to reveal to myself for later memories is not surprising to many, I’m sure. I really don’t want to leave my little nieces and nephew. I am actually evading them right now, haha, hiding at the gas station a mile away to gain silence to finish writing. They are awesome and I’ve grown attached to them over the last year. I really don’t want to leave them. 

…always wanted the chance to live near my first two nephews to play with them and help them along. I never made it happen, except the once when they were young. Though I spent the one summer in NC, working at my sister’s gas station and while the youngest boy was five/six (?), that was one of my favorite experiences. 

…these little ones, I never knew until a year ago. There was a distance that seemed to prevent me from getting to know them. It bothered me for years and then I started making changes. But it really did little. 

……until the one day that one girl wanted a stick for a play staff. I took the three of them into the woods, bringing a saw. I was barefoot and the three little ones were all shoed. It was funny in the woods when I would get a holly leaf stuck in my foot . . . kick my foot up at them and ask them to pluck it out. They would laugh. We found a real cool stick with a vine twisted around the far end. The vine swirled like the stripe on a candy cane. Then we walked to see the old junk cars that have been in those woods for thirty plus years. We chased and played and fought with sticks. I likely had one of my makeshift bostaffs — the pvc pipe. 

……I had a ton of fun and we haven’t really gone back in the woods. That was pretty awesome of me, apparently. They loved it and started looking for me more. 

…it is to the point where they expect me to play and they live on the same property. There’s no easy evasion. I don’t even want to evade except for days like this where I really just want to relax and unleash my thoughts and unburden my mind by releasing onto paper

…they’ve helped me get fit again by running ‘round the yard and toting them all on my shoulders and back. They are in the ideal age for play, to me. They are extremely active, smart, fit, and funny. Their bones all bounce and they are tough like rubber. With amazing amounts of energy, especially now with their superb diet regime. 

Yeah, I will really miss them if I go. I know they would miss me and that is more reason to stay. I missed them in CO, but I was preoccupied with my own intentions and it was only a week at a time. Like after leaving NC, the younger nephew became very attached to me and I to him. He became obsessed with the video game that I introduced him to when I left. It was funny and adorable and I never managed to go back up there for another extended stay. 

Being in that perfect age of open curiosity, with fun being the number one concern, there is but a couple years to enjoy that abundant youthfulness, before they begin to change. Now that I’ve had this year with them, and I finally know them, it puts me on the level with my other two nephews. Where I can build on the relationship as much is allowed over four hundred miles. That is acceptable, as I feel really close with my oldest nephew and his brother. 

I’m not saying they are the only ones I would miss, but they are significant. 

Though I am definitely excited to begin a new job, and one in an interesting company and position. Tooling, from stories of one man, can be very intriguing when a new problem arises. That and from my last experience, even with the repetition of similar parts, the work became interesting at times while troubleshooting for solutions. It makes you feel great when your solution prevails. When it fails, with need to fix — while embarrassing, it can be humbling and that does improve your overall range of skill when you then must troubleshoot further. 

I must digress, change topics, starting a new page. 

4:12pm, Thursday 

November 9, 2017 (1) phone interview 

The phone interview for Sikorsky went down exactly on time, at 11:00. 

…I went near the spot where I’ve done several interviews in years past. Parked on the side of Monteith Road, beyond the range of normal traffic. I parked in the spot that the police harass drivers from. 

…actually had a cop cruise by and ask if I needed assistance. Though I was standing behind my trunk with my resume, notes, and questions written across three pages and a pen in my hand. 

The position is almost exactly a mix of my Gulfstream experience and most recent position wrapped into one. The tooling that will be designed within the position “will be anything from the size of a pen to the size of a house. With much of the work dealing with containers for shipping and protection from scratches, dents, and the like. 

…the team will be 6 – 7 designers under the lead, with each designer having approximately 400 MEs to support. The position role may vary to some degree from day to day. They use laptops, so that you may roam around the compound; you will not be behind a desk much. 

…it all sounds pretty great. The lead and manager whom I spoke with appear to be kind, but busy and motivated. They plan to interview for two weeks, having the position filled just after Thanksgiving. 

…my notes, from the interview:

  • Legacy aircraft 
  • Material handling (containers)
  • SAP – repository 
  • Containers, gears, etc

He asked about relocation qualms. And said about the temperature today of near freezing (36 I think). “I actually want to do some cold resistance training”. . . Well you can definitely do that here, haha. 

12:07pm, Thursday 

November 8, 2017 (1)

A bit nervous, though I try to block the anxiety by knowing that it doesn’t matter what happens. I’ll be quite fine if I don’t get the position on tomorrow. I have a phone interview for an 18 month contract for Sikorsky in Stratford, CT. The position is “Tooling Support”, meaning that it would be a superb continuation from my latest position. 

It’s almost like I don’t even want the position, due to the location and the current time of year. 

Yet, it will be a great location to pursue the cold resistance training that I do want to begin. 

1,200+ dollars a week would sure go a long ways towards building my dreams. 

My house is in great shape and is swiftly morphing into a liveable domestic unit. Half of the flooring is down. The work has gone slower than anticipated but it is still going well. 

…After ditching dude by running off to Colorado, his brother ditched him and the workload. So that is what slowed him down. It is good that I am back, so that I can take up the slack. 

…Hit a slow point of the door jambs, which need to be trimmed to allow the flooring to slide under the door frames. Contractors use a saw that chops a half inch off of the bottom, a jamb saw (creative name eh). The saw is motorized and costs between 150 & 300 and I had $22. This saw cuts each door in under a minute each. 

…So I bought the old school style saw for $12. Non-motorized. This saw cuts each door in 10 to 30 minutes each. I use a chisel with this method because the saw is actually an updated (downgraded) version that feels like it will fall apart at any second. The saw is like a metal saw with non-directional teeth, so I cannot sharpen it. 

…Thankfully not all jambs need trimming and also thankfully, I found the normal sized chisel. Had been using a 1/4” wide chisel. The 1” wide chisel has been sharpened to a knife’s edge and will speed the remaining doors undoubtedly. 

Onto the vanity side: I broke the 200 lb mark on the scales. A couple months ago, I was 235. After I lose 7 more pounds, I will be almost as light as I was in high school!! 

…Though weight loss is funny. I don’t entirely want to push my old record of 196 pounds from a few years ago. I had gotten really fit then, mostly from bicycling and diet. But I AM going to do so if the momentum continues. 

…It is also interesting to see that when I eat after breaking a fast is when chunks of weight have dropped. As in: I was 210 lb two weeks ago. Fasted three days in CO. Then ate limited foods for a week before/after the trip. 

……the trip was only about a week and I dropped down to 205. 

………since then, I’ve fasted for only about twenty hours and then ate. Though I suppose I have not eaten much. I’ve repeated that cycle daily. Eating mostly curried grits, lara-bars (rx bars), and fresh juice. 

… I’m eating at a calorie deficit. On top of acceleration from the total lack of gunk in my bowels for the majority of the day. I’ve been doing tons of stretching and breathing exercises — yoga — though not any specific routine.

It all adds up to building muscle along with weight loss at an incredible rate. The only way I do anymore is extreme. Though I am much more at ease this time around. I’m in a very relaxed mode that I can see how I could maintain this forever assuming I don’t fall into a spiral of desperation like has happened in the past. I just don’t see that coming—never do. 

Salt bath time… then off to my house for more work.

…Yesterday, I put in eight hours of steady work after being at the park for yoga and juice. With only that and the three spoons of sugar in my morning coffee, I began to feel hunger at around 8pm. Then at home, before sleep, ate two packs of curried grits and a Larabar (around 500 calories for the day). 

…I am now hungry again. I think I will go make a cup of coffee like yesterday (2 scoops Maxwell House + a scoop of Eulethero) with butter and sugar and milk. 

……and probably won’t eat until midnight. Who knows? Maybe I’ll go get some fruit at the grocer before then. 

Wednesday, 11:57am

October 23, 2017 (3)

That picture is extra dreary because my camera lens is broken. The rain at Forsyth finally ended. It poured for nearly an hour. The car kept me dry, but I sat in the drizzling rain in the grass at Forsyth. 

Before my juice, I parked and then followed a loud horn sound that I never found the source of. Ended up barefoot at the library to tinkle. 

…then into the park for a bit and I heard the horn in another direction, both times it blew long and loud for around twelve second bursts. I never found the source again; it stopped just as I seemed to be near. Thought it was a fire truck, I guess, but none were to be seen. No one else seemed to hear the blasted sounds. 

That led me down towards River Street, then back to Forsyth after a bit. 

I’m beginning to think that I won’t be getting an aerospace job again. Though I’m not entirely sure what else I will do. I have only applied to aerospace design or tooling design, etc and have barely gotten any bites. But more than that, my gut tells me that I won’t get another position like that now. 

All for the better, always. I’ve always trusted my gut, but I’m letting it take over now and I have no clue what is next. 

I tell you what I want for the short term. Some parts have begun to occur already, finally. Just in the nick of time.

  1. Have the house repaired and rented (or sold). 
  2. Go see my nephews in NC
  3. Go back to Colorado and beyond to CA & WA. 
  4. Find a job

I still have nearly a month of UI remaining. The house is within days of being lived in by sane people. Then I have a family ready to move in. I’m not even doing the repairs, allowing me to do my thing. 

…a job will come, just in time, I’m certain. 

I am thinking of something outdoors, mayhap with permaculture or find a homestead to work with. Weld some stuff, build some stuff, and figure out what is next. I don’t see aerospace happening, but there is a magnetic company that is working towards an energy device that is nearly the same as the idea that has been in my head for five years and I may pursue that place. Besides that, I have basically zero ambition right now except to free up my time. 

With the rain at a standstill, I think I’m gonna head towards River Street and walk by the river. It is nice out. 


The most depressing thing

Well, I suppose not more depressing than losing a loved one, but seems pretty close at times. Losing the job sucks, but it is super frustrating and depressing to look for a new job. Thankfully, I get unemployment insurance to assist the budget during the transition, but it barely covers anything. And now I’m basically grounded due to having no car. 

Bored out of my mind, stuck in a place where virtually nothing is within walking distance. There’s zero obvious sources to gain training for a new position. School is on its own schedule–as it isn’t ready to enroll now, but even if it was, the cost is prohibitive. I’m not even aware of any institution willing to assist with unemployment training or even resources to assist with finding a new job — the State’s system is rediculous as expected. 

With 12 weeks of UI (income), you would think that would be plenty time, but with the last lay-off taking 1 year and completion of an associate degree to gain a job — it is daunting to wait again for acceptance. Each day only brings more fear and frustration and each rejection brings more anxiety; causing me to lose faith in my hopes of gainful employment. 

The idea to return to school or change career trajectory sounds better with each passing day and so does the idea of full bankruptcy, though it is not wanted. If only there wasn’t the stupid debt hanging on my shoulders or the not-real debt to mom/dad that weighs on me, or the expectations to pull-through with ease. It ain’t easy. I’ve watched a dozen folks move to better job positions over the last couple years and while I’ve been tossing resumes out for over a year–it’s depressing to see no change. 

The hope rose a year ago when positions I appear qualified for seemed willing to hire, but never do. Then rose again, months later, when my experience rose to the 3-year mark. Then again at the 4-year mark. But it doesn’t seem to have any significance towards landing a new role. Especially due to the fact that my latest position was not at all what was described by my position of Manufacturing Engineer. Since I was actually a Tooling Designer, without the title, my duties do not match the typical duties of a ME. Mind you the other manufacturing engineers that I worked beside, weren’t doing a ME role either, as they were stuck doing Process Engineer duties 95% of the time. We all basically got screwed over. 

Eh, getting stuck, bored, hopeless, and more worthless feeling with each passing day is the worst effect of being laidoff with zero warning. I got to weld at a friends’ house yesterday–certainly helped on yesterday, but now to wait a full week to do it again (if even able to this week) is pretty darn depressing itself. 

…heck, I wasn’t nearly as depressed in Colorado — and I lived in a truck at Walmarts and Truck stops… being stuck just kills me. 


Home Again 

I’m back from Colorado. Spent a couple weeks trying to clear my mind while taking advantage of the miserable experience of losing a job. 

I’ve been applying at many design jobs with no luck obvious in sight. I had several plans of finding a bicycle, a cheap room for rent, and ultimately a place to settle into for a month of real attempts at applying to local jobs. It would have taken a couple weeks to settle-in with the GDOL payments, as they are fairly minimal in financial assistance. Yet it could have worked out. 

I had almost stayed and I might should have stayed, but I really wanted to see my cousin in the Savage race and try my own worth on its course.

…Tuesday (9/19/17), I had been thinking about all of this for hours; pondering on my position of travels. I had not been entirely sure on location to stay, possibilities for training/education, and several other lifestyle oriented questions like what I could do for a couple weeks during the transition to a situation that could lead to the goal. I made several attempts at buying a bike, yet none worked out to be within an hour drive (20 miles is an hour drive in Denver) or within budget. Then I drove a few miles from my home-base to a park where there is a pull-up bar. I did some stretching, some breathe training, a couple (as if I can do more than a couple!!) chin-ups and headed out before my hour on the parking meter timed out. 

…I began to aimlessly drift to another State Park, thinking maybe I should just go back for the race, check-in on the house post-storm, try to find some thing productive to do, and take a good long bath. I picked the phone off the seat to look at the map and the time was 11:11. So my nutcase brain says “there’s you a sign” and so I just left. 

You could say that was an impromptu decision, but I am constantly thinking about what could be next. That decision was made from the heart more than by the brain. The heart — the gut is what it is. 

…an exerpt from And here’s a link to an Alan Watts audio version on YouTube. Listen to Alan, it is the best way to take in the tale. 

…when I’m in transition or unsure of what is next this poem comes to mind and sometimes even cry over its meaning. It is one of my favorite stories or lesson in life that helps me see what is actually important. Helps to reflect on what could be and what also could be, instead. Honestly, just bawled a bit thinking of the consequences of now. 

The gut lets Maybe happen. It allows me to make impromptu decisions and balances past mistakes with the possibility of worse mistakes that were never made. Maybe is always; it lets me live in my moment, whatever that is to be. To remain in that state of thankfulness is my ambition for it could be much worse if I harped on misfortune as it seems in the moment. I am not devistated due to a job-loss and I try to stay thankful to its end as whatever challenge awaits must be grander, it always is. It’s always worse before it’s better, but it’s always better if I allow options to flow through. 

…After the initial stage of I can’t believe this is happening again, it was moments before I said a little prayer and thanks to setting me free of my bondage. I’m free to explore options once again and even though the situation is bleak – it is not dire. I have a broad horizon of goals that I’d be happy to aim for any of them. Maybe. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. 

…back in GA, sitting in my recliner, in my house, I don’t want to be here. I want to be gone, creating something new, living in a different climate and atmosphere, I want to go back to the CO for a while. But I’m stuck, trying to make the best of it and take use of friends and family and enjoy it while I’m here again. I’d like to get a job in MI, ND, CO, WA, or anywhere really. I’d like to see a new area where I can explore and train in my current ambitions and devotions. I want to see how the people on the west coast live, live amongst the Yankees in the snow, or even visit Alaska for a much different experience. A great design job sounds perfect, but Maybe a welding job or something else. Perhaps even more schooling. 

…But tomorrow, I plan to go TIG & STICK weld at a friend’s house. Test my old skills and see how I could fare at that work again. Maybe I’ll become a professional welder and get on a team to work around the country repairing industrial plants. That sounds extremely appealing to me as of now. 

Home again. I didn’t plan to have a Maybe theme. It was bound to happen at some point. I’m always home, isn’t it where the heart is? The gut is your heart and I follow it — I’m pretty much always home. 

9/22/17, Friday 11:24am