The most depressing thing

Well, I suppose not more depressing than losing a loved one, but seems pretty close at times. Losing the job sucks, but it is super frustrating and depressing to look for a new job. Thankfully, I get unemployment insurance to assist the budget during the transition, but it barely covers anything. And now I’m basically grounded due to having no car. 

Bored out of my mind, stuck in a place where virtually nothing is within walking distance. There’s zero obvious sources to gain training for a new position. School is on its own schedule–as it isn’t ready to enroll now, but even if it was, the cost is prohibitive. I’m not even aware of any institution willing to assist with unemployment training or even resources to assist with finding a new job — the State’s system is rediculous as expected. 

With 12 weeks of UI (income), you would think that would be plenty time, but with the last lay-off taking 1 year and completion of an associate degree to gain a job — it is daunting to wait again for acceptance. Each day only brings more fear and frustration and each rejection brings more anxiety; causing me to lose faith in my hopes of gainful employment. 

The idea to return to school or change career trajectory sounds better with each passing day and so does the idea of full bankruptcy, though it is not wanted. If only there wasn’t the stupid debt hanging on my shoulders or the not-real debt to mom/dad that weighs on me, or the expectations to pull-through with ease. It ain’t easy. I’ve watched a dozen folks move to better job positions over the last couple years and while I’ve been tossing resumes out for over a year–it’s depressing to see no change. 

The hope rose a year ago when positions I appear qualified for seemed willing to hire, but never do. Then rose again, months later, when my experience rose to the 3-year mark. Then again at the 4-year mark. But it doesn’t seem to have any significance towards landing a new role. Especially due to the fact that my latest position was not at all what was described by my position of Manufacturing Engineer. Since I was actually a Tooling Designer, without the title, my duties do not match the typical duties of a ME. Mind you the other manufacturing engineers that I worked beside, weren’t doing a ME role either, as they were stuck doing Process Engineer duties 95% of the time. We all basically got screwed over. 

Eh, getting stuck, bored, hopeless, and more worthless feeling with each passing day is the worst effect of being laidoff with zero warning. I got to weld at a friends’ house yesterday–certainly helped on yesterday, but now to wait a full week to do it again (if even able to this week) is pretty darn depressing itself. 

…heck, I wasn’t nearly as depressed in Colorado — and I lived in a truck at Walmarts and Truck stops… being stuck just kills me. 

8/24/17

Home Again 

I’m back from Colorado. Spent a couple weeks trying to clear my mind while taking advantage of the miserable experience of losing a job. 

I’ve been applying at many design jobs with no luck obvious in sight. I had several plans of finding a bicycle, a cheap room for rent, and ultimately a place to settle into for a month of real attempts at applying to local jobs. It would have taken a couple weeks to settle-in with the GDOL payments, as they are fairly minimal in financial assistance. Yet it could have worked out. 

I had almost stayed and I might should have stayed, but I really wanted to see my cousin in the Savage race and try my own worth on its course.

…Tuesday (9/19/17), I had been thinking about all of this for hours; pondering on my position of travels. I had not been entirely sure on location to stay, possibilities for training/education, and several other lifestyle oriented questions like what I could do for a couple weeks during the transition to a situation that could lead to the goal. I made several attempts at buying a bike, yet none worked out to be within an hour drive (20 miles is an hour drive in Denver) or within budget. Then I drove a few miles from my home-base to a park where there is a pull-up bar. I did some stretching, some breathe training, a couple (as if I can do more than a couple!!) chin-ups and headed out before my hour on the parking meter timed out. 

…I began to aimlessly drift to another State Park, thinking maybe I should just go back for the race, check-in on the house post-storm, try to find some thing productive to do, and take a good long bath. I picked the phone off the seat to look at the map and the time was 11:11. So my nutcase brain says “there’s you a sign” and so I just left. 

You could say that was an impromptu decision, but I am constantly thinking about what could be next. That decision was made from the heart more than by the brain. The heart — the gut is what it is. 


…an exerpt from truecenterpublishing.com. And here’s a link to an Alan Watts audio version on YouTube. Listen to Alan, it is the best way to take in the tale. 

…when I’m in transition or unsure of what is next this poem comes to mind and sometimes even cry over its meaning. It is one of my favorite stories or lesson in life that helps me see what is actually important. Helps to reflect on what could be and what also could be, instead. Honestly, just bawled a bit thinking of the consequences of now. 

The gut lets Maybe happen. It allows me to make impromptu decisions and balances past mistakes with the possibility of worse mistakes that were never made. Maybe is always; it lets me live in my moment, whatever that is to be. To remain in that state of thankfulness is my ambition for it could be much worse if I harped on misfortune as it seems in the moment. I am not devistated due to a job-loss and I try to stay thankful to its end as whatever challenge awaits must be grander, it always is. It’s always worse before it’s better, but it’s always better if I allow options to flow through. 

…After the initial stage of I can’t believe this is happening again, it was moments before I said a little prayer and thanks to setting me free of my bondage. I’m free to explore options once again and even though the situation is bleak – it is not dire. I have a broad horizon of goals that I’d be happy to aim for any of them. Maybe. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. 

…back in GA, sitting in my recliner, in my house, I don’t want to be here. I want to be gone, creating something new, living in a different climate and atmosphere, I want to go back to the CO for a while. But I’m stuck, trying to make the best of it and take use of friends and family and enjoy it while I’m here again. I’d like to get a job in MI, ND, CO, WA, or anywhere really. I’d like to see a new area where I can explore and train in my current ambitions and devotions. I want to see how the people on the west coast live, live amongst the Yankees in the snow, or even visit Alaska for a much different experience. A great design job sounds perfect, but Maybe a welding job or something else. Perhaps even more schooling. 

…But tomorrow, I plan to go TIG & STICK weld at a friend’s house. Test my old skills and see how I could fare at that work again. Maybe I’ll become a professional welder and get on a team to work around the country repairing industrial plants. That sounds extremely appealing to me as of now. 

Home again. I didn’t plan to have a Maybe theme. It was bound to happen at some point. I’m always home, isn’t it where the heart is? The gut is your heart and I follow it — I’m pretty much always home. 

9/22/17, Friday 11:24am

Maybe it’s just the full moon . . .

But I had to leave on the spot. Been trying to patiently wait for a week, but it was all for naught. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy myself with the kids and my free day at Forsyth. And the New Years Day replica meal tonight. Those kale greens made the whole house smell like an old man with wet farts but they tasted wonderful. 

And I’ve time to think over the predicament. Yet not in the way I want, as in I need to leave the area and feel that I must. As if this opportunity need not be wasted on yet another predicament. So, I stopped short of Augusta, at a Walmart, to sleep for the night. About 10:30, I rode back to a spot by the RVs and slowed by a truck with a fellow unloading the green bins. Helped the guy a bit with his bagging. He ended up offering payment for help which I turned down, but he re-offered and I accepted. Let’s see how much it was, just stuck it in my pocket with thanks. Ahh 8 bucks — thanks again. I just felt he needed assistance for what turned out to be correct assumptions and he gladly accepted it. And I woulda just been sitting here recapping my emotions anyway, so I figure that the ant bite on my middle toe’s knuckle is the only downside to that interact. So, I already wrote the paragraph below:

Tarrence (not sure on spelling) was an interesting fellow. I talked with him a bit, we exchanged stories and laughed a bit. He had a job to collect all the green-bins of donated clothes. Separates all the clothing from shoes and trash and rebags to resale by bulk. There were a couple ladies out there, I forget their names, who were recently out of jail and in desperate times; they got two car loads of clothing, purses, and shoes. They’ll be selling them in some way. The women were so excited, as if on a shopping spree and giggling about all the stuff to sell. 

The women hugged us both and hurried away, but then circled back to offer food and drinks from the BurgerKing. They were overly pleased by the blessing he brought in their tough times. We both turned it down, it was kind of them though. 

…yeah so I made my first 8 bucks today as a nomad; I’m imagining I’ll try to hit some Craigslist ads for day labor gigs when I get a chance. But the main goal is still aerospace design if at all possible. I just need a change in scenery, climate, social atmosphere, opportunity; the list could continue. I’m bored of the same flat dirt, I need an environment I can enjoy, where mountains are near and the humidity levels aren’t 100%, I miss the weather of Athens, GA where the air was cool, breezy, and dry. I’d love to find a place that is pedestrian/bike friendly and live near work, tired of the car slog through traffic and to a home where I don’t want to be. 

…I asked my nephew his address because I almost turned his way or to my good-friend’s house in VA, but I should go west. But maybe the Boston, MA job comes true and I travel there after. Perhaps I can get the Texas or MT or Washington state or Mississippi job. There’s options everywhere so that it almost makes since to go to the center of the USA, which happens to be here (thanks to google map images):



No I meant Colorado, and that’s pretty close. See:


I just wish the car wasn’t an issue. I kinda just took this truck. And it’s not the most reliable, yet compared to an utterly broken car with an unknown resolution, the truck is pretty reliable. 

The road is open. I imagine my favorite cousin will be delighted enough to see me on his Saturday. Perhaps I’ll go to the ball field where he coaches his little girls softball teams. Maybe I can even get him to race me in a sprint. I know I signed up for that race and have intentions to attend, but it’s two full weeks away and I’m leaning towards Colorado and I have absolutely no clue about a race for me. 

…if anything, I’m surviving on gut instinct and hoping for the best and attempting to find something in the process. 

9/9/2017 12:27am

Chained

It’s driving me nuts that I need to stay in town. I just want to leave, but my stuff is holding me back and the damnedest thing is that I would love to just be rid of all of it. The car and house have been the weight that continues to try and drown me. I’m sick of it and want to leave, but the noose holding me down isn’t even available for use because it is broken. So it strangulates me even further. I have no clue why i was pushed so hard to keep it – in that I buckled to the pressure when I should have bucked harder instead and let it go like I wanted. Now, saddled with further debt and pressure because i let them fix the car for an outrageous price and we are all stuck with the crap prize of a car that nobody can afford and it doesn’t even work. Now I’m unemployed again and exactly back to the spot of 2 years ago with “stupid tax” and no way to pay for it. 

…I can’t leave. Or I can, but if I’m to be back in 2 days to get my crap from my employer– well how much more time before the crap car is to be fixed so I can actually leave? Another week? Do I really need to be back in two days to pickup my stuff… can’t they mail me my crap …i have socks, pocket change, and a very nice welding shield to grab, and a ton of other stuff that is basically worthless crap. They could mail that crap and I can go to the unemployment office and be done with that pathetic staffing firm. 

…I might just leave.  Am I talking myself back into leaving.  Problem is — i have to stay near GA for unemployment. My chains need to be payed for and I have no clue what is next. I fear even lower wages or a different type of job with equally poor wages may be incoming. As I have no clue why I can’t elicit a response out of these contract positions available. Except for that my assoc degree really isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on and my 4 years of design experience without a bachelors degree is trivial. It’s been depressing for months coming to this realization that the expectations put in your eyes from your teachers were all just enticement to keep you returning; for my career path has been getting worse and not better. I feel less able to financially grow than ever before with each week that goes by and without receiving callbacks for positions, the hundreds of positions that my resume has been sent for. 

Now what 

While that is a dreary photograph of the sky above me, the light output is significant enough to drive sweat from my skin. So is like the new situation. On one hand I’m worried about hurting my support structure and on the other I’m extremely happy to be done with my newly, previous job.

The moral of the company is in poor condition except for within a selective group of employees. Not to trash-talk, but it hasn’t been a good fit for me in many months; I’ve been attempting to survive in a harsh climate and now I am in relief from its grasp. I wonder how many more unsuspecting, worried, struggling employees will lose their jobs as well. I wasn’t the first and doubt I’m the last. All without sufficient explanation or respect to say it was coming. Employers want a two week notice, but deprive its employees with such. It is shameful and should be able to be penalized for all the harm it causes to the employee. 

9/2/2017