Home Again 

I’m back from Colorado. Spent a couple weeks trying to clear my mind while taking advantage of the miserable experience of losing a job. 

I’ve been applying at many design jobs with no luck obvious in sight. I had several plans of finding a bicycle, a cheap room for rent, and ultimately a place to settle into for a month of real attempts at applying to local jobs. It would have taken a couple weeks to settle-in with the GDOL payments, as they are fairly minimal in financial assistance. Yet it could have worked out. 

I had almost stayed and I might should have stayed, but I really wanted to see my cousin in the Savage race and try my own worth on its course.

…Tuesday (9/19/17), I had been thinking about all of this for hours; pondering on my position of travels. I had not been entirely sure on location to stay, possibilities for training/education, and several other lifestyle oriented questions like what I could do for a couple weeks during the transition to a situation that could lead to the goal. I made several attempts at buying a bike, yet none worked out to be within an hour drive (20 miles is an hour drive in Denver) or within budget. Then I drove a few miles from my home-base to a park where there is a pull-up bar. I did some stretching, some breathe training, a couple (as if I can do more than a couple!!) chin-ups and headed out before my hour on the parking meter timed out. 

…I began to aimlessly drift to another State Park, thinking maybe I should just go back for the race, check-in on the house post-storm, try to find some thing productive to do, and take a good long bath. I picked the phone off the seat to look at the map and the time was 11:11. So my nutcase brain says “there’s you a sign” and so I just left. 

You could say that was an impromptu decision, but I am constantly thinking about what could be next. That decision was made from the heart more than by the brain. The heart — the gut is what it is. 


…an exerpt from truecenterpublishing.com. And here’s a link to an Alan Watts audio version on YouTube. Listen to Alan, it is the best way to take in the tale. 

…when I’m in transition or unsure of what is next this poem comes to mind and sometimes even cry over its meaning. It is one of my favorite stories or lesson in life that helps me see what is actually important. Helps to reflect on what could be and what also could be, instead. Honestly, just bawled a bit thinking of the consequences of now. 

The gut lets Maybe happen. It allows me to make impromptu decisions and balances past mistakes with the possibility of worse mistakes that were never made. Maybe is always; it lets me live in my moment, whatever that is to be. To remain in that state of thankfulness is my ambition for it could be much worse if I harped on misfortune as it seems in the moment. I am not devistated due to a job-loss and I try to stay thankful to its end as whatever challenge awaits must be grander, it always is. It’s always worse before it’s better, but it’s always better if I allow options to flow through. 

…After the initial stage of I can’t believe this is happening again, it was moments before I said a little prayer and thanks to setting me free of my bondage. I’m free to explore options once again and even though the situation is bleak – it is not dire. I have a broad horizon of goals that I’d be happy to aim for any of them. Maybe. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. 

…back in GA, sitting in my recliner, in my house, I don’t want to be here. I want to be gone, creating something new, living in a different climate and atmosphere, I want to go back to the CO for a while. But I’m stuck, trying to make the best of it and take use of friends and family and enjoy it while I’m here again. I’d like to get a job in MI, ND, CO, WA, or anywhere really. I’d like to see a new area where I can explore and train in my current ambitions and devotions. I want to see how the people on the west coast live, live amongst the Yankees in the snow, or even visit Alaska for a much different experience. A great design job sounds perfect, but Maybe a welding job or something else. Perhaps even more schooling. 

…But tomorrow, I plan to go TIG & STICK weld at a friend’s house. Test my old skills and see how I could fare at that work again. Maybe I’ll become a professional welder and get on a team to work around the country repairing industrial plants. That sounds extremely appealing to me as of now. 

Home again. I didn’t plan to have a Maybe theme. It was bound to happen at some point. I’m always home, isn’t it where the heart is? The gut is your heart and I follow it — I’m pretty much always home. 

9/22/17, Friday 11:24am

Now what 

While that is a dreary photograph of the sky above me, the light output is significant enough to drive sweat from my skin. So is like the new situation. On one hand I’m worried about hurting my support structure and on the other I’m extremely happy to be done with my newly, previous job.

The moral of the company is in poor condition except for within a selective group of employees. Not to trash-talk, but it hasn’t been a good fit for me in many months; I’ve been attempting to survive in a harsh climate and now I am in relief from its grasp. I wonder how many more unsuspecting, worried, struggling employees will lose their jobs as well. I wasn’t the first and doubt I’m the last. All without sufficient explanation or respect to say it was coming. Employers want a two week notice, but deprive its employees with such. It is shameful and should be able to be penalized for all the harm it causes to the employee. 

9/2/2017 

Balance 

Achieving that is an unlikely result. I torpedo my way through life with long buildups, running through different areas of work while sticking in each niche for a time before inexplicably changing paths and pursuing that goal. I know the current path could lead on to a rich life, but I’m growing bored of the corporate environment and dread each day of continually pursuing the previous goal. Though I really want to stay within engineering and grow my ever increasing salary that should rival my competing engineers. But there’s much boring work to be done in the meantime. I’m fine with it, but only if the payoff truly is near. Four years experience should grant me much easier job finding, but it isn’t seeming to pass the bar. I fear the flood of engineers is still too high in the market and degrees are becoming an extremely common item, but also a required one. And that is pretty crazy considering the work most design engineers do. But welding is paying equal or better for equal skill levels as I’ve gained. I can always skill back up in that. But I really haven’t planned on that route. I am in great physical shape still snd could manage any of the work. Heck TIG is my preference anyway and that’s basically a desk job. The car/house + wasteful lifestyle has caught up to me again. Yet I’m virtually stress free. Thanks to that blessing of don’t give a #%€$. It seems rarer than I feel though I abuse my limits in stoic manner and torture my bowels in their eyes. It all builds to increase my lack of need. Committing to a fast, for instance; ignoring all the common food rules and still attempting heavy labor. That informed me most of all the diets or nutritional information I’ve ever learnt. Though it piled onto previous banks of information and cases of trial-n-error- I realized how willing the body is to adapt to the consequences of its surroundings. If trained properly, eased into certain protocols, it is amazing how little you will begin to care about food rules. There are no known rules, there are suggestions and paid-for propaganda that has built the majority of those rules. It’s like the common pet concern “Cats and dogs shouldn’t eat human food”. Are you joking, you mean chicken and beef. While I admit those animals are not natural, it should be bird, mouse, squirrel, etc. it is still the same principle. “Your cat needs dry food to eat at all times if it wants to eat, then wet food at night “. No wonder your cat doesn’t like the taste of the sardines that my cat greatly enjoys. Nah that same cat in the natural condition may not eat for two days. But when it does, it will be an entire small animal. Then it may not eat for a while. It survives great without constant nibbling of food…just like you. Humans are very near the same, but we need more plants than them. Watch your cat, she will eat grass an herbs, naturally when ill, but if given what it preys on and has been adapted to best eat. Raw dead animals, not corn, wheat, peas, carrots, and the scrap they scrape off the floor at the meat factories. Disgusting anyhow. Ever realize why it costs 1/6 the price of decent tuna. Dang it’s getting late, was supposed to sleep early. Guess not, quarter till midnight and I need some sticking supper. Lunch at 2:00 is wearing off by now. 

8/9/2017

Sunday Service 

Yesterday. I had wondered at what point does heat stop rising and cool takes over. I thought about it several times over the day. And I imagine or seem to think that the atmosphere thins due to that hole in the ozone that is allowing air to leak into the void of space. The hole that the 1980’s gave us, after using 100 million cans of aerosol hair spray. And the thinning allows hot air to rush in between like fuzzy and soft in velcro. 

…look at that photo. Looks like every type of cloud bundled into one pictogram. That is beautiful and much moreso in person. The beauty comes from the excitement of the moment, the heat on the skin, and the calming blue backdrop that presents a vibrant explosion. It always stirs me to think how the representation of nature, herself is of the grandest forms of art. It is difficult to surpass that beauty. I wish we could still see the stars at night — for that easily accessible artwork. 

The stars will make you think about your universe. We see only hundreds due to night lights, but there are countless suns in the night sky. Alledgedly infinite or nearly infinite. The power that is represented in that thought brings me to the limits of the mind. To get stuck on the catch 22 of life’s question of meaning, if we are the point of this all, then why are we being tested? If there is a war between good & evil, then why isn’t there any real proof? If there is no point to any of this, then why does that nagging question arise in the first place? If I’m being pulled from three directions, and each one has their own representations of truth, yet no one has objective evidence of that truth, then how is there ever supposed to be a test in the end… it is rigged to fail… only the weak ones who depend on the most demanding leader will ever make it, and only if those folks hit the bonus lottery, as the absolute winner, only one side wins right? Or else there’s no winner or no loser. Or maybe there’s multiple correct answers and only one real bad path. Perhaps multiple good, multiple bad. 

Who knows, who cares. If you set me up to fall, in a rigged system, with no clues to real truth, then setup my reasoning and intuition to doubt all things implausible, then it sounds like you don’t give a damn either. 


6/25/17

Dear Publix

Dear Publix,
Your store is nice and clean. Your prices are fair and stable. Your employees are all dressed well and appear positive. You do great work with helping elderly and retarded people keep decent jobs. 
However, it drains my entire energy to walk around your store. I feel like I’m in some Disney Land nightmare where there’s no walking stuffed animals. There’s too much forced niceness in an environment where I just want to buy food and leave. 

Quit forcing your employees to greet every single person. Don’t make cashiers stand in the isle, greeting, questioning customers if they are ready to checkout! After the fourteenth employee said hello and smiled at me, I had to control myself from telling them to quit being fake. 

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”

NO — just ring me up. I’ve nodded to fourteen of you and said howdy nine times. Now please leave me alone. 

“Are you certain you don’t need a bag?”
YES — and why are you talking to me (bag lady) I just said I don’t want a bag. Why are you pushing a bag on me? Do I not look capable to carry a box of pop-tarts and a gallon of water. Shoo — get outa here. Go bag up single items for some other weak individual. 

As an introvert, I’m practically exhausted from your store. At the least, you don’t make me feel like I’m doing societal harm, like when I use wal-mart … they drain your soul, bit by bit. 

6/20/2017 Tuesday, 8:38pm