You realize at this point, which I’ll make very clear at this time in the crudest of ways, as with foul language for emphasis and to that of obvious reasoning. 

I don’t give a fuck. 

Sorry Mom. But to get that out of the way, I feel better for finally, boldly stating this simple phrase. “I don’t give a damn” could work, but then it means you do give enough damn to not say fuck with its wretched connotation. Or step it up a notch to not giving a shit, but then you still are below the fact that you actually “don’t give a fuck”. 

But why are you saying this?

Because THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE and you’ve already seen changes I’m sure. I am to the point of not caring what people think of me. As in, I care, but only in that I desire respect, kindness, friendship, and all that is implied within. In that context, I do not care what you expect, as I am doing my best. I don’t care what you think  — if it is negative in any fashion  — I will dismiss your comments and concerns and continue on my journey. 

I care about all types of stuff and people, but I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I used to have a few left to give, but it is fading quickly away. 

Now, I remain as the guy who knows how to talk with his mom, friends, family, public, or new acquaintances. In that, certain crowds need stimulation through explicative language and others need zero utterances of foul language like Mom. I know how to relate to each and my conversation cadence does change in context. So, I’m not about to begin swearing in front of Mom, though if it happens in frustration, anger, etc, realize that I don’t care about this. I don’t care what folks think — especially over silliness like curse words (that may not really be of curse). 

But that isn’t even what brought me to this blog with a simple topic. I came to express the similarities or rather the razor’s edge of laughter.

The line of crossing has occurred lately within several situations. With embarrassment (see above, these are the fucks which I do not give anymore)…

…with embarrassment that does not exist in my present being, I have been in a whirl of which is difficult to describe. The whirlwind sucked me up or downward into an unfamiliar situation. Uncomfortably, I eased into this and have grown into an odd level of comfort throughout the process. I feel at home, here, but the transition has not been easy, nor simple. 

…the whirl has brought ideas from all parts of memorable life and surfaced emotions long since covered and my life has changed dramatically. I’ve been on the verge of emotional outburst on several occasions in public, holding back every urge to cry and have failed on two occasions. 

…this is unachievable, often, when alone. I’ve even delayed meetings with people due to bloodshot eyes and the rings from tears under my eyes in effort to not impose on others’ moods or to show my own “sadness”, but more in a sense that I just don’t want to talk about the turmoil. 

…Even now, in typeprint, I expect that the moods of any reader has been affected. Though you were warned and can stop at anytime — but I cannot stop now. I need to finish my rant and fully clear this idea from my psych. That is a major feat of this blog; this public journal of my journey which I use as my personal psychologist in a way to offer my truth and also release the ideas from my being so that I don’t have to carry the burden any longer. The blog is for my freedom.

But on to the topic again and away from the marvelous tangent.

 I have been at a peak of emotion, sitting in my car, listening to a video. I’m thinking back to an actual event, where I only planned to stretch my vertebrae across a basketball. It was just before game-night. I wanted to try the new technique and meditate a little. While I cannot remember what occurred (I’m pretty sure I wrote in the blog afterwards), I know that I suddenly broke out in tears. 

…ahhh yeah, was thinking of my friends and their relationship and how they are sticking together throughout the insane experience which they are living. While I bailed on my ex in her time of need. I was telling him on last night, of the experience, in comparison to his rock-like steadfastness and determination to remain as a pair. The man is doing what I could not do then and I admire him for that, among other things. 

……….was thinking of all the range of ideas surrounding those events from my past with her and the other significant women of my life and basically praying for them in process, and in doing do fell into a loud, weeping sob that I could not immediately control. 

…when contoll was achievable, where I could stop — yet since I wasn’t in a sad mood, I was in total relief throughout and continue for a second. Though at the point of realizing that you are intentionally crying, it is difficult to continue “with purpose” and I laughed.

—or gasped with laughter and it immediately brought my ex in a vision of her doing the same. She had cried hysterically one time and began to laugh hysterically. She was crying and laughing and did not know which emotion to roll with. I had to leave — I could not take that

…now, I am doing this. Not for sadness, persay, the range of emotions were wild.  I probably cried for three minutes straight in that  session and that turned to crazed laughter. In the end, just stopping the insanity and not even caring about it all. 

On that day, I began to think like this — more so. 

Enough for now, I need a break (to go wipe my eyes)!!


…but seriously, I do


11:13, Monday, 12.11.17

Fit as a Fiddle 

As a child, a person is normally more fit than they will ever be. With flexibility ruling their joints, a bounce to the bones, and ignorant faith of ability, a child will attempt anything thought possible. 

Normally if hurt and with proper guidance and support, the child can heal rapidly from any injuries and rarely become broken for acute injury. No time has built issues from poor diet or mismanagement of physical ability. Play and curiosity is their whole world and lends towards freedom from stresses. They haven’t the buildup of toxic gunk in the body from misuse. They are practically in perfect health and love to spin in circles, cartwheels, and chase. 

All of these things are typically lost from adults and rarely do those search for a way back. My goal, or at least one of my physical goals is to re-achieve that ability. The ability to do cartwheels and spin like a ballerina. To sprint across the yard for fun in chase games. To bring my body back to that bouncy strength and keep pace with the children around me. 

Today, that goal is in sight as I feel a surge of power and know how it came. I know what to do. I can see the path to get there and unlike the driving force that is required to earn a degree, persue a career, or become wealthy, the only drive I need is the motivation to have fun!

…all the tips and tricks have not been learnt, though the essential elements have surfaced. With further experimentation, success will be reached. The success of youth restored. Of disease an illness as a memory or a case of sorrow for those around me that care not of the advice. 

I cannot expect friends or family to listen. You are the last to ever listen because you have always known me and believe your own version of my truth, because you think I’m nuts and blessed with great genes (or cursed by mental illness). Even Jesus didn’t work many miracles in his home town — they couldn’t imagine what he was. If even a character as such is not revered at home, then I have no chance of promoting equal wellness of my home. Only of I. 

Not to get into a mood of sorrow — only to show the point. My message is taken by acquaintances with quickness while my friends shake their heads in silent laughter. To that point — I shake my head in return, silently praying they come to terms with this world’s knowledge. I have FREED MYSELF from the burden of care. Not that “I don’t care, cause I do”, but the burden to change those around me is not within my psyche (anymore). I have released it recently and I will stop pushing for those changes when I explain. You very likely will never admit that I am correct while remaining ignorant of Truth. 

I AM EXCITED THAT I CAN DO A HEADSTAND. That I can roll and flip over grass. Walk barefooted across roots and asphalt. Balance on one leg. Spin without puking. Cross my eyes and laugh. Perform backbends and crabwalk (not quite yet). I AM EXCITED TO BE EXCITED.

I’m thankful for each day and the problems to surface even when the problems aren’t wanted. I do want problems to solve and aim for those problems to not be my own. I want my problems to surface so that I may quickly extinguish them and so I can go solve others’ problems and have that fun. 

I’m thankful of my abilities and the drive to gain more. My talents waste away when out of use, though the connections created will remain for a lifetime while others build. Wisdom is a goal, to the effect of which I feel dumbfounded to realize my ultimate course of mastership, if any. 

Just a lone wanderer with ability to jump into any situation to assist in scrambling the pieces until a pattern emerges and the work begins anew. With new direction, the solution emerges and while they turn to ask for help in the building, I am free to find another problem to puzzle and ponder. 

…how did i change topics?? It always happens!!!!!!!!

morning bath time (errr post noon bath)

Sunday, 12:26pm, 12.10.17

I want some shoes 

Know what’s odd?

  • Every number comes from 8
  • But then there’s nine digits 
  • And then to add to nine, you actually subtract a segment or flip a six
  • This of course on a digital clock; the number base is 8

I’ll draw a picture later. 

The shoes I want are V-run size 44 I think it was for about 10-1/2. I’d assume buy from the store in Richmond Hill where that chic measured my feet and all. She was nice and cute and all anyway and I believe they check your gait and such. But I barely care unless they do actually understand barefoot. 

The girl said she did and showed how she could spread her toes. The Vibrams’ Five finger style Vrun. Don’t know why all the name variations, but these particularly work well for mud and water (allegedly). And thus may be great for the Savage ir Spartan races for which I am still training for. Yet without a destination race. Though I have a new friend that wants to do one and wants to train, though he just wants yo run and I just wanna do technical and fun stuff. 

Anyhow, my reminder to a shoe I tried on. The suckers tend to stay around $120, so that sucks, but it’s the nearest to barefoot with extra security — I do want to buy some.

12.7.17, Thursday?? I think!!

Ahh yah… last night wasn’t Reiki, it was “working with energy”. Really interesting crowd of wierdos!! Hahaha ha! That includes me!!

In the opening, the lady who reminds very much of my best friend’s mom used a tuning fork, waved it all around, talking to us for introduction of the plan, then started speaking in language I didn’t understand but it made me sob a little and I could not hold it back, only quiet it. Twelve of us were there and was two other men. After that was over, my legs wouldn’t stop shaking until about ten minutes when I sat across from a reiki master. She gave a strong connection that I actually felt, is interesting stuff and I will return. Much more to say about this all but I will leave it be and think on this a while. I already have plenty on my brain and I feel I must continue to research the current situation that has been struck upon me for a reason I’m unknown to. 

Blood Pressure Check 

Here is the last time from 9.4.17 for reference. And the picture from then:

I’m chilled out, barely eaten. Dark chocolate and honey only with some coconut water. Did some deep breathing exercises an hour ago for a half hour. 

I’m about to go to my first introduction to Reiki. I went to Foodlion to poop and only had a long fart. Long like nine full seconds. The stall over laughed when I did so!!! Hahahaha wooooo!!!! But no poo, just peewww. 

Here’s blood pressure update:

  • 111 systolic 
  • 76 diastolic 
  • 66 pulse


  • -5 systolic 
  • O change diastolic 
  • -13 pulse

Very nice eh??!!!

I guess, I feel great and is all I care, but people want data!!

6:58, 12.6.17, Wednesday night 


Not like I’m actually trying, but I’m down below what I weighed when I was in high school. 

I’m down to 193 pounds as of yesterday and holding until today. Woopitidy doo kinda but it’s neat. Especially in how it occurred. 

I had been holding at 199 for a couple weeks. I fasted a couple few days in there, eating sparsely or fairly at times, even gluttonous at times. And then during last week, my water fast lasted three days (72 hrs). 

Yet during the fasting, my weight held at 199 (plus or minus six pounds due to hydration/urination levels). 

Then the following two days, I ate moderately as I had during Thanksgiving week. The weight held on day 1, but then dropped on day 2 and now on day 3 stays at 193. 

So, in other words: my weight only dropped after the fast ended AND only after eating several times. This is quite interesting to me. 

The light weight is great because I feel fitter and stronger than before. And my waste is very likely down nearly another pant size. 

*I may go try on size 32 pants today for an experiment and some vain fun. 

3:51pm, Monday, 12.4.17

Toe & Dream

At the bank I sit in my car and poke at my toe with a knife as hurried employees scurry from building to car in endless lines. I await the quick lines beyond the standard lunch hour. 

Anyway, my right foot’s big toe has been infested with fungus. The fungus settled in and crafted its home in obvious estate. It made itself known and has been heralded as a tough beast to tame, in that a year worth of steroid pills are required to kill. 

I am thrilled to say that my fungus is fading though the recession is slow. The inner corner of that nail had only a wee bit of fungus, whereas the bulk dug its home under the right half of nail. Yet now the inner wee bit is practically gone and the bulk has halfed in thickness of its gunk. Coloration has changed in a way that less darkness is present. 

The meat beneath the nail (between the fungus locations) which glues the nail to the toe — has widened. This means regrowth of underlying tissues have certainly occurred. This area hurts by knife, whereas the fungus can be dug out in crumbles. 

I cannot yet claim victory. I am thankful of the progress! I am happy to see results. I despise taking steroids and antibiotics, so I would continue to wear this fungus until this body dies if no other cure exists. I expect this to fully heal but I have no clue to the time it will take. I am extremely excited at this time, enough that just this little thing will extend my current path. With obvious improvement in this one area, I will profess continually on the beneficial practices that led to this achievement!

Now, the dream:

I typed about the dreams already this morning and then I continued on in research. The lack of sleep led me to a nap soon after. Which encased a powerful dream as short as it was. I don’t know if I slept an hour or five minutes as the dream seemed to come along quickly and I awoke before I accepted the fate of the dream or tried to control it. It got too real — too quick. 

In this dream I was driving down a road at night. I had a passenger whom I am rather certain was the guy whom I have been researching, in regards to, since yesterday. I do not recall anything before this moment. I omly remember a time frame of nearly thirty or forty seconds. 

The road was near home, on a flat road, and we were driving around 45mph. Relatively slow in comparison to the hurry that we were in. I don’t know the destination in mind and we never got there due to the ending. 

I was driving and we were silent. Silent enough that I felt alone. 

We noticed a dark patch in the road that I assumed was a bridge or an incline. I continued to drive without slowing since it was a normal feature. Yet, when we reached the blackness, we learned it to be just a small bump of nearly five feet. 

The car soared straight up into the air and all I could see was blackness and I could feel the loss of connection to the earth. We moved at the static pace of which I drove and the car just seemed to drive up a vertical wall that was not there. 

The car quickly climbed and maybe I could see the street below or lights for the road. I did not know what to do and so I baled from the experience and gasped. 

I awoke to a gasping sound and looked around at the room. I sat for a moment wondering about the dream and realized that I should have climbed out the window and flied

It is weird stuff, what dreams are made of. I feel like I know the meaning already but the meaning is only confirmation of my current reasoning — in that I’m a bit scared of the reason and I’m not sure if I actually know how to fly. Err how to fly within that same context of dreamspeak and what I believe it meant. 

1:24pm, Monday, 12.4.17

Western/Eastern Culture 

Little tidbit as I glaze over the topic without ranting. 

Ever wonder why the USA and European countries are to be considered Western, while the Asians are Eastern?

I did not research this — at this time, nor will I answer my thought process, but I have a good idea. 

…And I’m curious to the “legit” reasoning although I assume the “standard” reasoning will not suffice as good-enough and leave me with a long search for the actual answer and for this individual topic, in this moment, I do not have time for. Though when I one day look upon these pages, I may. 

9:13am Monday 12.4.17