Balance 

Achieving that is an unlikely result. I torpedo my way through life with long buildups, running through different areas of work while sticking in each niche for a time before inexplicably changing paths and pursuing that goal. I know the current path could lead on to a rich life, but I’m growing bored of the corporate environment and dread each day of continually pursuing the previous goal. Though I really want to stay within engineering and grow my ever increasing salary that should rival my competing engineers. But there’s much boring work to be done in the meantime. I’m fine with it, but only if the payoff truly is near. Four years experience should grant me much easier job finding, but it isn’t seeming to pass the bar. I fear the flood of engineers is still too high in the market and degrees are becoming an extremely common item, but also a required one. And that is pretty crazy considering the work most design engineers do. But welding is paying equal or better for equal skill levels as I’ve gained. I can always skill back up in that. But I really haven’t planned on that route. I am in great physical shape still snd could manage any of the work. Heck TIG is my preference anyway and that’s basically a desk job. The car/house + wasteful lifestyle has caught up to me again. Yet I’m virtually stress free. Thanks to that blessing of don’t give a #%€$. It seems rarer than I feel though I abuse my limits in stoic manner and torture my bowels in their eyes. It all builds to increase my lack of need. Committing to a fast, for instance; ignoring all the common food rules and still attempting heavy labor. That informed me most of all the diets or nutritional information I’ve ever learnt. Though it piled onto previous banks of information and cases of trial-n-error- I realized how willing the body is to adapt to the consequences of its surroundings. If trained properly, eased into certain protocols, it is amazing how little you will begin to care about food rules. There are no known rules, there are suggestions and paid-for propaganda that has built the majority of those rules. It’s like the common pet concern “Cats and dogs shouldn’t eat human food”. Are you joking, you mean chicken and beef. While I admit those animals are not natural, it should be bird, mouse, squirrel, etc. it is still the same principle. “Your cat needs dry food to eat at all times if it wants to eat, then wet food at night “. No wonder your cat doesn’t like the taste of the sardines that my cat greatly enjoys. Nah that same cat in the natural condition may not eat for two days. But when it does, it will be an entire small animal. Then it may not eat for a while. It survives great without constant nibbling of food…just like you. Humans are very near the same, but we need more plants than them. Watch your cat, she will eat grass an herbs, naturally when ill, but if given what it preys on and has been adapted to best eat. Raw dead animals, not corn, wheat, peas, carrots, and the scrap they scrape off the floor at the meat factories. Disgusting anyhow. Ever realize why it costs 1/6 the price of decent tuna. Dang it’s getting late, was supposed to sleep early. Guess not, quarter till midnight and I need some sticking supper. Lunch at 2:00 is wearing off by now. 

8/9/2017

Sunday Service 

Yesterday. I had wondered at what point does heat stop rising and cool takes over. I thought about it several times over the day. And I imagine or seem to think that the atmosphere thins due to that hole in the ozone that is allowing air to leak into the void of space. The hole that the 1980’s gave us, after using 100 million cans of aerosol hair spray. And the thinning allows hot air to rush in between like fuzzy and soft in velcro. 

…look at that photo. Looks like every type of cloud bundled into one pictogram. That is beautiful and much moreso in person. The beauty comes from the excitement of the moment, the heat on the skin, and the calming blue backdrop that presents a vibrant explosion. It always stirs me to think how the representation of nature, herself is of the grandest forms of art. It is difficult to surpass that beauty. I wish we could still see the stars at night — for that easily accessible artwork. 

The stars will make you think about your universe. We see only hundreds due to night lights, but there are countless suns in the night sky. Alledgedly infinite or nearly infinite. The power that is represented in that thought brings me to the limits of the mind. To get stuck on the catch 22 of life’s question of meaning, if we are the point of this all, then why are we being tested? If there is a war between good & evil, then why isn’t there any real proof? If there is no point to any of this, then why does that nagging question arise in the first place? If I’m being pulled from three directions, and each one has their own representations of truth, yet no one has objective evidence of that truth, then how is there ever supposed to be a test in the end… it is rigged to fail… only the weak ones who depend on the most demanding leader will ever make it, and only if those folks hit the bonus lottery, as the absolute winner, only one side wins right? Or else there’s no winner or no loser. Or maybe there’s multiple correct answers and only one real bad path. Perhaps multiple good, multiple bad. 

Who knows, who cares. If you set me up to fall, in a rigged system, with no clues to real truth, then setup my reasoning and intuition to doubt all things implausible, then it sounds like you don’t give a damn either. 


6/25/17

Dear Publix

Dear Publix,
Your store is nice and clean. Your prices are fair and stable. Your employees are all dressed well and appear positive. You do great work with helping elderly and retarded people keep decent jobs. 
However, it drains my entire energy to walk around your store. I feel like I’m in some Disney Land nightmare where there’s no walking stuffed animals. There’s too much forced niceness in an environment where I just want to buy food and leave. 

Quit forcing your employees to greet every single person. Don’t make cashiers stand in the isle, greeting, questioning customers if they are ready to checkout! After the fourteenth employee said hello and smiled at me, I had to control myself from telling them to quit being fake. 

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”

NO — just ring me up. I’ve nodded to fourteen of you and said howdy nine times. Now please leave me alone. 

“Are you certain you don’t need a bag?”
YES — and why are you talking to me (bag lady) I just said I don’t want a bag. Why are you pushing a bag on me? Do I not look capable to carry a box of pop-tarts and a gallon of water. Shoo — get outa here. Go bag up single items for some other weak individual. 

As an introvert, I’m practically exhausted from your store. At the least, you don’t make me feel like I’m doing societal harm, like when I use wal-mart … they drain your soul, bit by bit. 

6/20/2017 Tuesday, 8:38pm

Obsessive Behavior 

Many folks look at obsession as a bad thing. I see it from a different perspective since I am obsessive by nature. 

That immediately brings up the question of, “how obsessive must you become before that obsession actually becomes an real obsession. That brings the definition itself into a quick google search (below) which shows to a “troubling extent” or “constantly worrying about [the project/idea] something” to be the guiding principle. Yet, to what extent is troubling considered? Not being able to have relationships socially, not minding food, water, & shelter, disregarding their own mental or physical well-being . . . What does that vague description imply?


I can go a step further. From hearing firsthand about guys quitting jobs, leaving wives/children, foreclosures, and losing conviction for their career paths over World of Warcraft, I saw how the game could suck you into an a new world and certain people would give all their energy towards the game’s goal. 

…I include myself there, except I had no mortgage, children, wife, or even a career track to lose. They did. And some lost things. And that is certainly a point of obsessive behavior that is by definition. 

…for topics like golf, cross-fit, running, and other physical activities, the results can be fairly obvious (but hidden) by signs of overtraining and the physical strain it places. Along with constant soreness and obvious fatigue. 

Does my bostaff or flexibility obsession qualify as such. I work in a tube shop and I enjoy the bostaff. I am constantly reminded how badly I want a slick aluminum or titanium tube for training. I am thinking about posture and flexibility within almost every minute of every day. I strive for a balance of stoic discomfort, flexibility/balance postures, and total relaxation. I am certainly obsessed, but to what harm?

I’ve obsessed during my welding training. Then during drafting school. Then over several women. But there’s always been a constant obsession with weight control, lifting, training, and all things nutrition. I’ve had the W.O.W. obsession. A strategy game obsession for years, but no outlet… which is ramping up in a strong way with recent board game groups. And there’s the bostaff obsession…did I say that already. Or is the obsession of planning the future included?

I obsessively dropped 84 pounds of fat over the course of 14 months once upon a time. Then I obsessively went into a dark spiral that led to quickly gaining weight. Fueled by depression — I still had an odd obsession to eat in a gluttonous manner that led to significant weight gains. Though, knowing how dramatically I can shift in attitude, I was obsessively pushing the natural limits of my own weight gain. 

…Looking at the definition, is only the depressive fat binge & W.O.W. experience the only true obsessive behavior?

…and 

…my W.O.W. experience actually broke my inability to sit for extended periods. It also honed my deep concentration abilities to where I can easily sit at a computer screen for fourteen hours straight, with minimal breaks. This still only holds true if I am in an immersive environment like a video game or a CATIA design center. A project where skill, learning, experimentation, and creativity are all components of the experience is essential for this ability to manifest. Yet, without that initial boon of immersion, I may have never fully developed the ability to sit and do. 

…while the fat binge was actually an experiment. A sick one perhaps. I had full awareness throughout, but the darkness set the mood. I learned much in the cleanse process that soon followed. My eyes are open to a new trough of ideas, partially due to recovery from obesity. I learned of fasting, importance of hormones, macro nutrition myths, and much more. If you take this into consideration, was it not ultimately a great prospect?

There are multitudes of term papers written about folks like Edison, Tesla, Jobs, Buffet, and many others regarding their obsessions. The noteworthy accounts are certainly accomplishments that brought much success to others and themselves — not to be stuck on a silly definition, but how is this considered a troubling condition?

5/24/2017 Wednesday, 9:23pm

Eight Hours without the phone 

So many times, I wanted to look up a fact or opinion. I wanted music to cover dull silence. Planned to finish a podcast, write a couple notes on the blog, and toss out a few texts. 

…2 phones in hand, but no use of either was possible. 

…gotta send one back in the mail. Expecting a $500 fee that I’ve been repeatedly reassured that it would be removed upon return of my original iPhone. 

Hate dealing with this nonsense. I really really need to cutoff Comcast now. I’m tired of paying for virtually nothing. 

5/29/2017 Monday, 11:59pm

Maybe 


…it seems they are forgetting the idea that if you take a person from near birth, attach well designed sensors, and place in a comfortable “holster” that allows growth and adaption; you don’t need to fullfill the full experience or allow certain lines to be crossed. 

…it bothers me that once you drop into the rabbit’s hole, you should be bringing up things like this for example. But I rarely hear it. How else will we ever bring enough doubt into their minds to doubt their brainwashed ideas!?!?!

… 

If I even believe that. 

5/14/17 Sunday, 12:06pm