Is this depression?

How far must you fall or how long must you remain down?

My depression only lasts until I awake in the morning & only begins if I get income or cash levels drop too low. Once the income is there, I have fear that it all will be spent before any longterm progression has been invested towards.

Such as:

sleeping arrangements (blankets, tarps,pillows, etc), automotive parts (wipers, tag, battery, trailer hitch, etc), tools (fertilizer sprayer, weed sprayer, edger, 36″ mower, etc), etc, etc.

We’ve barely touched this list & that still leaves out my mortgage that permanently haunts me.

Food, tobacco, & cannabis are always 1st, and in extreme costs in my opinion. I cannot seem to make a difference.

It all is fairly miserable and with little chance for immediate change, I slip into states of impending doom and noticeable depression. It bothers my partner (in business) who intimately sits beside me for 16 hours a day, so our moods affect the other. We flip flop from one extreme to the other on reverse cycles and while I was originally the “more positive” person, he has recently gained that standing for the majority of days. Which in turn bothers him greatly. Turning new spikes of trouble in my mind due to the increased uptake of emotional consumption of food & cannabis & nicotine. A horrible cycle. I dread this continuing. I cannot persist.

I’m laying down to bed, 3 blankets under a tarp/tent in a 1991 s10 with bad tags & no wiper blades. Maybe I’ll slip off into depressing dreams and awake to my partner being harassed by the cart attendant.

I hate this life.

9:49pm, 6.23.2019, Denver Colorado, Walmart parking lot.

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