This exciting time for me as I have increased the range of my voice and have opened avenues of potential that have yet been bridled. Opportunity exists in the future, but I still sit here, stuck, watching the mirrors around me as I procrastinate even further. Enough, that I have now just only as writing this message had a tear pop out of my eye and I likely should leave this building before more continue on. But it was only one. I expect no more. It only occurred as a gentle tune from Chopin rolled into my ear. Then I closed my eyes and listened and pondered on what I type of and of what I have yet to type, because too much information rolls in on one emotion, to describe with a page would not do justice. I see now, how they speak of pictures and thousands of words, but when that picture is not even in motion, nor has overall characteristics added as emotion, time, place, connection, texture, culture, significance, mystery, uncertain moods arise when a thought comes from a sound. A beautiful sound that rolls through the ear, the piano echoing across my memories, building connections along the path. Fighting the tear in the public, otherwise, I may just weep. Seeing the written word, puckers the eyes, they spurt slight wetness and snot grows in the nose, whetting mustache below if I continue to type without wiping and then it will be obvious if anyone turns to look to see the red-eyed, puffy, snotty man behind on the laptop looking crazy.

Pushing others around me in ways in which I aim to push myself, guiding them as I guide myself, informing them of the things they should be doing, but having not yet done this myself. I aim tomorrow, to invest in my plan and to sell my idea, or rather to offer the question of my services to the customers in order to see if they even fucking want me.

Rejection is the key. Fear is bottle-neck. Finally overcoming the fear to speak my mind, to allow myself to come fully out and speak my truth and not give a fuck about anyone’s opinion has freely allowed my to develop my skills and harness the new voice that I have found. I say it is new, but it is old, I had no clue I could use it as I do. I had no clue anyone would accept me as I am, as the voice that I had was too scratchy, too country, but that also, I had trouble relating and building conversation with others because I have no interest in their discussion, in their rhetoric, in their small-talk. As I really have only ever had agenda that is mine and I have no care about the typical societal views or political views or associate myself with any typical fun. It feels crazy to say the alienic ways which I have felt my entire life. Yet it is true.

I have always felt outside of this society, an outlier of the system. Or rather having held my own rules and regulations that overlap with the society — luckily overlapping in ways that has kept me free from constraint, for that has been my main goal throughout my life.

I see the light. I see the point of the light. I see the focusing element of the light. I see the path ahead and though I am not exactly worried, I am anxious. Both in excitement to finally overcome this panic, this disorder, this disease, this wretched fear connected to my voice, and in anticipation to begin the journey that I have procrastinated over.

Walking into the den of lions that has scared me to death all of my life. To present topics in front of an audience, to offer suggestions to folks who could care less, to cold-call strangers. To question my peers or of the peers who I have never known, but am to introduce myself for my own purposes and to overcome the problem.

But even beyond that and even more terrifying in certain ways is to ask for assistance from others in positive ways, that even I am not trying to sell a service or a product, but want to gain advice instead. And then to implement that assistance in real-time action with interest to show willingness to continue, but then it scares the fuck out of you in the process, because you have settled into the idea that you can do this without doing the things that you don’t want to do, but then the whole action requires you to get past the one stumbling block and with that block, the wall will fall, but can you break that first block?

4:58 pm, Friday, 3.23.2018








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