October 11, 2017

Perhaps I am drowning in the conspiracy and letting it change the dimension around me or my perception. I could be delusional from the immersion into the deception of awakening that the world seems spellbound within. A skeptic, gullible victim of the media that wants to look genuine but is one of the serpents in reality.

Deceived by the evil, to walk a path meant for someone like me, looking for answers by delving into the mass of videos that could have been placed by them.

Perhaps the path is perfect, but rough and not traveled by many. That preparations have been worked into my life without my knowledge is what I hope. I am committing myself to follow my gut or spirit or the possible demon leading me onward. Though I am looking within, I aim to study the Bible and anything that raises its hand in front of my sight. Whether I round my knowledge with other religions or scientific studies. All things hold clues to the truth.

Truth comes when lies are rooted out. How to develop skills to learn without studying the world around you? Aims to look within at each passage as I research; aims to learn new techniques of healing and bringing stoic calmness; aims to understand why I exist and to what point; aims to let the living book come alive in imagination and open my thoughts to the truth that lies below the surface; aims to become an actual christian to be Christ like or allow the Christ to manifest from within as may be the real truth; aims to learn to meditate and raise my frequency as many say is the way to the truth; aims to use all available resources to discover my reality; aims to allow the nature around me to influence my perception and look into its beauty and inner workings.

At what cost? To be damned to Hell for crossing a line, but I am not in Heaven as of now and clueless to the fact that everything done before and at any moment after where I may slip and burst my skull after a sin that wasn’t asked for forgiveness and die to be damned for such. It seems crazy that it is possible by a merciful god or even from a mighty and angry god for why would I not be smited while I doubt this fact while I write these words and think it now, so that I endlessly suffer for spreading lies myself. Unless my lies influence another weak sole sonthat we both may be smited in the last moments of our unknowingly wicked lives. It doesn’t ring true nor does it make sound judgment. We may be barely above ants in his eyes, enjoying our folly, but ready to smash our intestines into the rocks for his personal amusement, but this seems wrong. Perhaps, he just wants to run a test to see which models will morph beyond their expected abilities or just to meet the extremely high expectations that were written in a tongue that not every man can read. To see which tribal Indian will come from the woods and become cultivated by culture or have a wandering priest find him and bring him the word and then grasp the language enough to not necessarily understand, but merely capable of holding faith for the deity that created us all, while never having outside influences steal him away in the process.

It doesn’t make since. I have doubted and questioned every authority figure or representative that has been involved in my life. I remember seeing the moment a friend lost his faith or will to believe when a rude woman condemned him over a question; for doubt over an aspect of life that intrigued him, she fed his anger instead of nurturing his wounds, she did not teach, she attempted to rule a rebellious and curious teenager who could now be on a whole different path in the present (future). She doubted his opinion without ever researching the truth herself, commanding him that 2 + 2 = 5 (1984 reference) even though it sounded wrong or not fully correct. How am I to know that she didn’t have the research under her belt: she didn’t give a second view, she didn’t allow another’s perception or opinion, she wanted a believer and not a truth seeker.

I aim to seek. I may end up broken, destroyed, or desperate in the end. I may be in financial and spiritual ruin. But I have to allow this obsession to work through my body and mind. I will know when to quit, I’ll know if my mind changes as it so often does. I’ll know when I’m not impressed with my reality as I have so long been. So, if I avoid and attempt to hide this yearning need, then I will only oppress my normal attitude and turn away from my values.

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