Feels like a weight is being set down on to me. Just when I almost said the opposite, the actual sounds more proper. 

…

A weight is settling down onto me as I realize that I’ve come to the end of this transition. The transition between jobs is obvious with my lack of such, but the transition I speak is in the mind. I’ve settled in with the improved ideas about the world around me, though initially dark and mysterious, creates a wholer Truth that I can actually understand. 

The truth sets you free is said with intention of allowing yourself the open path to do what your mind wants. I lack worry. There’s no worry over the conclusions by myself and that perhaps may be delusional, yet with a grasp on the significance of reality, my mind is more settled than ever before. 

The beliefs which are forced upon oneself are welcomed in the beginning as explanation of the world around. Though when questions arise, the questions reject the faith which had been forced. Faith it seems should only work if one hasn’t doubt surrounding. If you have doubt, how can there be faith? Faith with doubt, to me, feels like convincing myself repeatedly about an explanation that was never finished. 

The weight bears down on my chest, expelling my latest intentions and leaving me with wonder on how to next fill the void. Void is a misconception. Gap may be better suited in this instance because (as always) I have ten ideas to pursue and am dumbfounded as to the particular path to reach the next starting point. So, here I lay in contemplation and detail my thoughts on paper. 

…

Boredom. WOW, where did this arise from? Suddenly, as parts align, the restlessness begins, awaiting the next step. For two days, I’ve felt this anxiety and after these weeks have passed, I had thought I was relaxed. Relaxed for days and now time to change is coming. I’ve dropped many issues from within, cleared my bowels extensively, created community, and began to reach out for more support. And now I sit and wonder what could be next. 

I have motivations to bring much needed change into my own life and world and can see a glimpse of possibilities that were never-before allowed but are now becoming reality. As I’ve looked around for answers and began to find some truth, I realize how quickly change can actually come to pass. The magic of it all lies in mystery though with deductive reasoning, one may determine that all mysteries have origins and indeed have key elements which built the scenario. 

Mystery is a scenario? It appears to be. The scenario is played out until confusion sets-in. During the time when no one looks or cares, pieces of the puzzle mix into a heterogeneous concoction with such thickness that it seems homogenous. In reality, the solution is to find all the pieces by way of deduction. Slow is the process — endless with the many moving parts of our reality. 

…

The boredom will pass, the urges to fill the gap are yet another avenue to explore though I am in creation mode now. With creation mode, I search for possibilities and solutions. This is a major contrast from the research mode that I’ve slipped into. With countless hours of YouTube videos under my belt and many hours worth of texts read by my eyes, I’ve come to a place where the majority of videos are useless except for tiny tidbits of information that merely satisfies my confirmation bias. 

Bias is a stretch too. I’m one of the least biased people you’ll ever meet. Yet I have endless opinions with options for you to try and determine your own solution. 

Ahh boredom. Even now. I’ve got to be productive, else I won’t gain advancement. I’ve got to find an avenue to pour my soul into for a while. Not by having it sucked-out by some menial job. I need to express my solutions and make it happen.

Boredom in this moment makes me wonder what to do. Sleep came early and easy last night, but for now I’m tempted to keep lying here. Bored and clueless about what will fill the gap fully for now. But only to continue with pondering may be the feat of today. To discover the next step in this path. A Path. 

…

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7:26am, Thursday, 12.21.17