You realize at this point, which I’ll make very clear at this time in the crudest of ways, as with foul language for emphasis and to that of obvious reasoning.
I don’t give a fuck.
Sorry Mom. But to get that out of the way, I feel better for finally, boldly stating this simple phrase. “I don’t give a damn” could work, but then it means you do give enough damn to not say fuck with its wretched connotation. Or step it up a notch to not giving a shit, but then you still are below the fact that you actually “don’t give a fuck”.
But why are you saying this?
Because THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE and you’ve already seen changes I’m sure. I am to the point of not caring what people think of me. As in, I care, but only in that I desire respect, kindness, friendship, and all that is implied within. In that context, I do not care what you expect, as I am doing my best. I don’t care what you think — if it is negative in any fashion — I will dismiss your comments and concerns and continue on my journey.
I care about all types of stuff and people, but I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I used to have a few left to give, but it is fading quickly away.
Now, I remain as the guy who knows how to talk with his mom, friends, family, public, or new acquaintances. In that, certain crowds need stimulation through explicative language and others need zero utterances of foul language like Mom. I know how to relate to each and my conversation cadence does change in context. So, I’m not about to begin swearing in front of Mom, though if it happens in frustration, anger, etc, realize that I don’t care about this. I don’t care what folks think — especially over silliness like curse words (that may not really be of curse).
But that isn’t even what brought me to this blog with a simple topic. I came to express the similarities or rather the razor’s edge of laughter.
The line of crossing has occurred lately within several situations. With embarrassment (see above, these are the fucks which I do not give anymore)…
…with embarrassment that does not exist in my present being, I have been in a whirl of which is difficult to describe. The whirlwind sucked me up or downward into an unfamiliar situation. Uncomfortably, I eased into this and have grown into an odd level of comfort throughout the process. I feel at home, here, but the transition has not been easy, nor simple.
…the whirl has brought ideas from all parts of memorable life and surfaced emotions long since covered and my life has changed dramatically. I’ve been on the verge of emotional outburst on several occasions in public, holding back every urge to cry and have failed on two occasions.
…this is unachievable, often, when alone. I’ve even delayed meetings with people due to bloodshot eyes and the rings from tears under my eyes in effort to not impose on others’ moods or to show my own “sadness”, but more in a sense that I just don’t want to talk about the turmoil.
…Even now, in typeprint, I expect that the moods of any reader has been affected. Though you were warned and can stop at anytime — but I cannot stop now. I need to finish my rant and fully clear this idea from my psych. That is a major feat of this blog; this public journal of my journey which I use as my personal psychologist in a way to offer my truth and also release the ideas from my being so that I don’t have to carry the burden any longer. The blog is for my freedom.
But on to the topic again and away from the marvelous tangent.
I have been at a peak of emotion, sitting in my car, listening to a video. I’m thinking back to an actual event, where I only planned to stretch my vertebrae across a basketball. It was just before game-night. I wanted to try the new technique and meditate a little. While I cannot remember what occurred (I’m pretty sure I wrote in the blog afterwards), I know that I suddenly broke out in tears.
…ahhh yeah, was thinking of my friends and their relationship and how they are sticking together throughout the insane experience which they are living. While I bailed on my ex in her time of need. I was telling him on last night, of the experience, in comparison to his rock-like steadfastness and determination to remain as a pair. The man is doing what I could not do then and I admire him for that, among other things.
……….was thinking of all the range of ideas surrounding those events from my past with her and the other significant women of my life and basically praying for them in process, and in doing do fell into a loud, weeping sob that I could not immediately control.
…when contoll was achievable, where I could stop — yet since I wasn’t in a sad mood, I was in total relief throughout and continue for a second. Though at the point of realizing that you are intentionally crying, it is difficult to continue “with purpose” and I laughed.
—or gasped with laughter and it immediately brought my ex in a vision of her doing the same. She had cried hysterically one time and began to laugh hysterically. She was crying and laughing and did not know which emotion to roll with. I had to leave — I could not take that.
…now, I am doing this. Not for sadness, persay, the range of emotions were wild. I probably cried for three minutes straight in that session and that turned to crazed laughter. In the end, just stopping the insanity and not even caring about it all.
On that day, I began to think like this — more so.
Enough for now, I need a break (to go wipe my eyes)!!
…but seriously, I do
11:13, Monday, 12.11.17