Sunday 12.3.17

Sitting here researching more interesting topics to help answer our riddles. I keep thinking of old times throughout and try to think of things that I say I’ve heard but they are locked away in the vault. I’ve again let my secret magnetic power be known to another new friend. 

After noticing what had been said, apologizing for unleashing their burden upon me. And then quickly worrying over others finding out their problems. Yet, I told them that that happens to me. 

I somehow attract those interactions. I had to reassure them and reiterate my old statements of how I am a vault of honesty and no one will ever hear of it, *except for possibly a counselor of my own that I sincerely trust (but that isn’t needed to say — those are rare, i.e. Mom). 

That their topic safely resides in my memory but in a special order, where connections can still be made, but the original source having never been revealed. 

I always say “no, really, don’t worry ‘bout it — I know something deep or dark about every single friend I have” and “I don’t mind, I actually appreciate it, and I know it helps you, and it helps me — I think, but either way, it’s great and there’s nothing to worry over with me”. 

And it is true, for some, I know the majority of their issues. I’ve met people and somehow gained these insights in the first few hours of meeting and they’ve once again said “I’ve never told anyone that”. For example, that delivery driver in route to Colorado who shared a joint and a story in which he continued to break my heart a little and I had the opportunity to give my two cents and shoulder to mentally cry on. 

It seems an odd gift, one that I’ve really only fully realized in the recent year(s). I’m constantly waiting on it when I meet people, but it doesn’t come until it slips a bit. If I pry at their situation a tiny bit, it only normally takes a few questions and an obviously open-mind — because I reassure them that I am curious and not nosy. But this is all done with subtlety. They never know that this is happening until a few minutes into the thought and realize they’ve just told a mini-autobiography. I only recently have begun to realize this in its process and aim to listen without waiting to speak or give an answer. Oftentimes, the person will tell a ten minute story without realizing and even if I have no answer for them, it is very relieving to them. 

I’m thankful that I get to participate. I aim to give hope and guidance with any potential solution. Not that I get to fix their problems, it is warming to realize that you helped comfort them a bit in those difficult times.

It becomes obvious how many people fear their peers. Fear over embarrassment and of being outcast for problems that many many others experience. This fact always brings a bit of sadness in contrast to the experience, yet is certainly worth the initial. 

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