Is Guilt Worse Than Embarrassment?

Thinking of how I hid a post on yesterday — as if it was weak or embarrassing. 

Yet, the post (technically it was a page) was merely about my emotions. Not to piddle ‘round and beat around the bush in akward embarrassment again, the topic was on crying. Yet, why did I hide it in a page that would not be emailed to the quick list of followers?

Not like I am trying to hide my appearance these days. Not like I am ashamed of my works. Not like I haven’t tossed out a few revelations to the crowd already. 

The instant embarrassment sent fear into my being and I hid the thing that I had been working on in process. But to explain what led to the moment was hidden, also to no point. 

If I am to be here for honesty’s sake and then to hide my motivation and techniques, then to what avail is this writing? The writing is intended to enrich, you could say; yet the enriched is typically myself and with expectations that only I will reread these lines in the future, then the only enrichment may be that of the self and to what point is served by hiding from myself?

I wish to be honest or earnest with my projections. In aims of doing this, my gaurd is lowered constantly and I am allowing the looks of disdain to come my way if that is in fact the view of others. Though this act is one of strength and courage in the face of authority. 

To break the rules of my society is part of my essence. The magnitude of spirit is based on this archetype and I must accept this fact. The admission of this realization is freeing indeed, yet the act does not increase the ease to abandon society’s structure. 

…there are still people who love me and worry over my fate or rather the soul of my being, yet I worry over theirs in mirrored awe. 

…The akward silence set in stone within society over the talk of these possibilities is the bane of humanity and should be abolished. Until this great fear of the world is burned away, that silence will continue. 

The fear of the known is ironically the fear of the unknown, as you have never seen the Truth, but have only witnessed the affects of its presence. 

To what extent must I hide? If emotions are embarrassing — then why is happiness of the ultimate goal of most people?

If happy is the apex of emotion, then what is the lowest form?

  1. Sadness seems to be the mirrored image of happy though the thought of sad is bland and could form from any old problem. 
  2. Loneliness is the essence of feeling unconnected to the whole. Not attached to another who unites the halves to be whole. 
  3. Anger is not happy, though happy cannot live in anger, this is no force of opposition. 
  4. Embarrassment may be an opposing force, stripping away from the happiness felt in a moment, while not over-riding the feeling. The feeling becomes repressed while the expectations of others are processed, 

Ultimately, the embarrassment seems to conceal the happiness and change the course of events. 

The fullfilled act of embarrassment could result in shame. 

Shame for what? Shame for causing happiness for yourself. To what point was the shame in allowing the action. 

…….

Now that I am this far into my reaction and realize that I have only shown a single side or reason of embarrassment, though the message remains true in that embarrassment is the result of being shameful of an action that does not agree with your peers. 

My aim is to not be shameful of my actions, though that requires tons of integrity and a mindset that requires me to believe that all things are done in my best interest. 

When I am embarrassed for silliness — I aim to laugh

When embarrassed over uncontrollable events — I aim to laugh 

When embarrassed over things from my past — I aim to laugh

When embarrassed over misguided intentions — I aim to laugh

When embarrassed after becoming enraged — I aim to laugh 

When embarrassed for any reason — I aim to laugh with the accuser

The accusations tend to come from ME. 

7:42am, Wednesday, 11.29.17

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