Little nieces in the living room singing and doing arts and crafts and decorating. Awaiting the company of their Aunt and my sister, I am secluded to near silence to prepare for the madness that awaits.  

…

Spent last night in the red car. The cat decided to evade the car for most of the night and returned at dawn. Surprised, I was, when she wanted out — into the cold. It was down near fifty degrees and the car is full of blankets. 

…watched videos from eight to ten and then meditated for what felt like an hour but was three. Three and a half hours — I actually wonder if I fell asleep in there somewhere yet I do not recall. I covered my skully hat over my eyes and pulled my hood over as well and covered my whole body and face with a thin blanket to blot out all the light. Is best so that you (I) can open the lids to look around and see without a blinding light or even a tiny LED to wreck your mode of pure darkness. 

…

Pure Darkness

…

A term that I cannot reproduce at this time. 

…my closed eyes create colors all around. A mesh of colors ranging through the entire spectrum that I perceive. At times the colors are separated while often merging to form arrays of combined colors. 

…or blotches. Teal ink on a black canvas which has the overall elliptical shape while the vanta black border is not smooth as a pen writes, but misshapen like the rough edges of a volcanic mountain. Etched like pencil. The stain drifting from outer right to lower center of vision, hovering near the bridge of the nose, hanging on until..

…it vanishes or fades. Or morphs into the grid that begins like the matrix of blue, green, and red lights of your television screen. When looking really closely, you see the grid that creates the illusion of blended colors on the screen. I see the grid, but of yellow, blue, red, green, black, and all between or beyond of what I know and thr mesh moves. The mesh scales larger snd shrinks; individual lights exchanging places with no rhyme apparent. Dancing before my eyes. 

…the lid seems the surface of the screen, the television of the dream state. 

…Upon watching the colors with closed eyes and then opening the eyes with covers over them to block the lights; the images remain within sight. Where is this image that I see? 

…

Rhetorical at best since I have an educated guess from all my research though it is certainly an intriguing question. 

…

…

Early this year, before the eclipse, I asked my coworker a question: What do you see when you shut your eyes?

[blackness]

No, seriously. You see speckles of color or light, correct?

[black, maybe you have a tumor (? haha)]

…The remaining portion of the conversation of bleh and no further information. I have not asked anyone since, but I’m not surprised he doesn’t see colors. 

…yet, why do I?

…

…

My memory serves me to prove that I am unsure if this began or if rather it was always. 

…I do not recall total blackness everywhere… ever.

…I am very introverted and am “in my head” as much as any introvert or more and I can imagine with clarity any object that I begin to understand. Would this constant internal imaging create the extra lights that remain as the eyes are closed or is the lighting due to concentration. 

…maybe it is residue from the LSD. Dripping off the column of the spine as it slowly leaches from the bones. However, this guy has tried all the same medications that I had with no residual coloration. 

…fascinating to me. Even more fascinating than my hair growing in (allegedly). The most thrilling aspect is that as I meditate more often, the coloration increases or varies or grows. The images are different with shapes and patterns and constant change and flow like a river into a lake. 

…

…

12:36pm

Tuesday