October 26, 2017 (2)

I think I spilled my guts on some of the fascination on numerology and the events that led up to me realizing that it’s not just strange anymore. I say that because I’m not going to look back and see right now and I really am not sure which stories I’ve written and published versus what I did not publish. There are many pages of non-published blog posts where I let my self go off the deep end. 

I have peeked down a rabbit hole. I have absorbed information on a very wide range of “conspiracies” and have come to the conclusion that I don’t know what to think (still). I will say I was a “flat-earther” for about three days; I reject that idea currently, but not wholeheartedly without real proof. There are hundreds of claims in a wide range of topics and I’ve scoured them all.

After the return from Colorado, or rather from the broken-down truck in Kansas, I quickly picked up the iPad to watch a movie and couldn’t find anything worthwhile to watch and stumbled upon a video that opened the door to the rabbit’s hole. I fell into that hole and I haven’t yet reached the bottom. Have only banged my head on a few rocks on the way. 

…Three weeks, a month? Feels like two months since I returned from Kansas. Feels like three months or more since I was laid off. 

…Now, I feel that I’ve managed to grab hold of a ledge that jutted out. I’ve pulled myself up and I’m looking around to see if it is a nice place to be. It seems to be a cozy ledge and there are fruits hanging from nearby trees so that I can survive here a bit. 

…I’ve stopped with the wide search and have cut-out all (most) of the negative aspects of the rabbit hole. I want to stay away from the negativity because this ledge seems wonderful. This ledge may have the answer that I have been searching for and which have been led. 

So far, there has been nothing but positive results. I have several themes of interest that I am working towards and they are all based on understanding myself to a greater extent and improvement in each criteria.

Often, people ask: “any leads?” And to my reply of nope, in regards to finding a job, they say “bummer” or “that sucks”. 

…I will quickly change the subject because if not I’m stuck trying to determine an answer that will suit them. They really don’t want to have that conversation. They don’t want to hear how “even though it was unexpected, not desired, and was an unjustly lay-off, I am thankful of the experience”. 

…They really don’t want to have that conversation unless they too have been in my situation. My situation feels nuts to me and if you know me, that is telling. They don’t want to have to hear the short answer and they sure don’t want the long version. I don’t even have the time for a long answer and you don’t even have the attention span to listen to it. You very likely haven’t even learned the basic concepts to the topics that I propose nor have the patience to listen to such foolishness. You are probably totally ignorant to any of it and that is understandable as I was a few years ago. 

A few years ago, I said a quick little prayer. It was while married or just beforehand. I asked to be made better and to help find my truth and ambition. But only on the condition that it would be slow enough to handle. At the time, it was maybe the third prayer in a decade. 

I was ignorant to what that actually meant. I didn’t think it would come true and I still wonder if that is what is happening still or if it the opposite. I wonder if the rabbit hole is a deception and that I’ve fallen into the trap and I signed a ticket for Hell. Though it seems not true; I’ve always trusted my gut and gained rewards or fought it for the reward of misery. 

…My gut is leading me now. I’m coming up with solutions, to allow my gut to contemplate, then allow the decision to happen. I’m trying to fully follow my gut. 

…Funny thing about that is, for the gut to be effective, it must be empty and not hungry. It must be yearning for input — if not it is satiated already. 

Anyhow. Nothing to worry over for me. No need for anxiety. I have no clue what job I am to gain nor do I even know what kind of job. I am totally lost right now in that regard and I have no intention to seriously look for work until I feel an opportunity has surfaced. 

…I have been known to have a care-free attitude and at this time, I know that has been pushed to an extreme. I have pushed myself to become more relaxed by increasing flexibility, by being more minimalist, and by learning more skills to become more independent. 

…The recent endeavor has brought me much further along into relaxation than any of that other stuff. 

I constantly try to stay in a thankful mode in these situations. Initially, after the phone call to terminate me from my job, I was outraged. Fueled by anger, I sent a couple messages to friends. But then, within moments, I said to myself that maybe this is my chance. 

…but then I had to dwell on events while I was stuck and waiting to leave for CO. Then after CO, the truck breaks down and I’m back in a slight depression which did lead me to here. It was difficult to be thankful in Kansas and then upon returning where my car was still in the shop — where I was stuck again, waiting to leave. 

…Now, with a bandange wrapped around my blood stained thumb, I feel crazy even attempting to type this to people I know. I stopped after the initial accident to say thanks for helping me to realize I’m hurrying when I should not. That the haste of trimming the lawn was not needed and that that behavior isn’t what I need. 

My phone is dying, I must rest. 

12:19am (now 10/27/17)

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