I’m back from Colorado. Spent a couple weeks trying to clear my mind while taking advantage of the miserable experience of losing a job. 

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I’ve been applying at many design jobs with no luck obvious in sight. I had several plans of finding a bicycle, a cheap room for rent, and ultimately a place to settle into for a month of real attempts at applying to local jobs. It would have taken a couple weeks to settle-in with the GDOL payments, as they are fairly minimal in financial assistance. Yet it could have worked out. 

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I had almost stayed and I might should have stayed, but I really wanted to see my cousin in the Savage race and try my own worth on its course.

…Tuesday (9/19/17), I had been thinking about all of this for hours; pondering on my position of travels. I had not been entirely sure on location to stay, possibilities for training/education, and several other lifestyle oriented questions like what I could do for a couple weeks during the transition to a situation that could lead to the goal. I made several attempts at buying a bike, yet none worked out to be within an hour drive (20 miles is an hour drive in Denver) or within budget. Then I drove a few miles from my home-base to a park where there is a pull-up bar. I did some stretching, some breathe training, a couple (as if I can do more than a couple!!) chin-ups and headed out before my hour on the parking meter timed out. 

…I began to aimlessly drift to another State Park, thinking maybe I should just go back for the race, check-in on the house post-storm, try to find some thing productive to do, and take a good long bath. I picked the phone off the seat to look at the map and the time was 11:11. So my nutcase brain says “there’s you a sign” and so I just left. 

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You could say that was an impromptu decision, but I am constantly thinking about what could be next. That decision was made from the heart more than by the brain. The heart — the gut is what it is. 

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…an exerpt from truecenterpublishing.com. And here’s a link to an Alan Watts audio version on YouTube. Listen to Alan, it is the best way to take in the tale. 

…when I’m in transition or unsure of what is next this poem comes to mind and sometimes even cry over its meaning. It is one of my favorite stories or lesson in life that helps me see what is actually important. Helps to reflect on what could be and what also could be, instead. Honestly, just bawled a bit thinking of the consequences of now. 

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The gut lets Maybe happen. It allows me to make impromptu decisions and balances past mistakes with the possibility of worse mistakes that were never made. Maybe is always; it lets me live in my moment, whatever that is to be. To remain in that state of thankfulness is my ambition for it could be much worse if I harped on misfortune as it seems in the moment. I am not devistated due to a job-loss and I try to stay thankful to its end as whatever challenge awaits must be grander, it always is. It’s always worse before it’s better, but it’s always better if I allow options to flow through. 

…After the initial stage of I can’t believe this is happening again, it was moments before I said a little prayer and thanks to setting me free of my bondage. I’m free to explore options once again and even though the situation is bleak – it is not dire. I have a broad horizon of goals that I’d be happy to aim for any of them. Maybe. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. 

…back in GA, sitting in my recliner, in my house, I don’t want to be here. I want to be gone, creating something new, living in a different climate and atmosphere, I want to go back to the CO for a while. But I’m stuck, trying to make the best of it and take use of friends and family and enjoy it while I’m here again. I’d like to get a job in MI, ND, CO, WA, or anywhere really. I’d like to see a new area where I can explore and train in my current ambitions and devotions. I want to see how the people on the west coast live, live amongst the Yankees in the snow, or even visit Alaska for a much different experience. A great design job sounds perfect, but Maybe a welding job or something else. Perhaps even more schooling. 

…But tomorrow, I plan to go TIG & STICK weld at a friend’s house. Test my old skills and see how I could fare at that work again. Maybe I’ll become a professional welder and get on a team to work around the country repairing industrial plants. That sounds extremely appealing to me as of now. 

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Home again. I didn’t plan to have a Maybe theme. It was bound to happen at some point. I’m always home, isn’t it where the heart is? The gut is your heart and I follow it — I’m pretty much always home. 

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9/22/17, Friday 11:24am