I got a handful of valium. Thirteen pills at 5mg – I reckon. My donor was vague, but I have tested a half-pill already (before bed) and I awoke with some sensations still apparent. For instance, I did have a slight clumsiness when I twirled the bostaff for a moment; enough so that I put it down — though  nothing major. Also, water tasted delicious, sweet, and soft (like while consuming Xanex). I would imagine that food would be the same. 

…

Tomorrow, Saturday, I plan to [perhaps] quit tobacco. I have serious doubts as I have not prepared AND I really don’t want a stupid, stressful weekend. Along with wanting to enjoy my board game night, even though valium could prove valuable, I don’t believe they would appreciate me doped to the gills. And how would I even get there?

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I’ve used this trick once before. Mom, after reading this, may recall the time I explain. Yet I am uncertain how much truth I have ever spoken about this outside of a small group. I had what may have been 31 clonazepam (or 60ish – I dunno) that were weak. Sixty sounds proper. I remember eating them like candy for three days. Or rather, I recall glimpses of action and I was told about others. I quit tobacco by being in a state of blackout, basically. And I tried to play it off, but I had a few close calls. 

…

I know that I disposed my keys; I believe I gave them to a friend. I was stuck on my parents’ property, where I was currently staying. At one point, I recall chewing two pills and not knowing if I had taken more already, but not being worried. Then I clearly remember myself and a friend being conned in to climbing atop a trailer with an extension ladder that I carried. On the way to the job, I nearly smacked the neighbor’s kid with the long ladder. Then by the grace of God didn’t fall off in the process of tarring the roof.

…my friend tells me that I showed up in the middle of the day with nothing but shorts. No shoes, socks, shirt – just short pants. Says I had scratches all over me, including my face. To get to his house, I must have stumbled through the woods without being on the path. 

…

Seems like I lasted two years as tobacco-free afterwards. 

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…

I always wanted to do that again, but with transparency and assistance. But who wants to dole out a prescription such as this? Give me a strong dose over three days while babysitting the dopey idiot. I bet I was extremely calm for the duration. 

…Every other time I quit (seven-ish times), it has been aweful. I get cold sweats, hot flashes, intense headaches, extreme temper, a ridiculously short fuse, cramps, and layers of flip-flopping emotions like depression, anxiety, and anger. 

…I make it sound like coming off heroin or pain pills. And those types of addicts would laugh in my face because I don’t know what a real addiction is like. I’m not slow to agree, because mine lasts around 36 hours and theirs’ for days or weeks. And I also don’t know others who feel the same. I’m just thankful that those harder drugs didn’t stick in my repertoire. 

…the way it goes if I quit at midnight, before sleeping (without good drugs):

• wake around 9am Saturday. Look around and feel akward with nothing to do with my mouth. 
• Around 10am I begin to feel antzy. I take a preemptive aleeve. 
• 11am: doubts arise
• Noon: I’m tapping every surface and staring into the distance with a sensation appearing in my forehead. 
• 2pm: I’m pacing, sweating, looking through my stuff for something, but I don’t know what. A headache is taking form, but the aleeve is attempting to slow it. 
• 4pm: I’ve just taken my first cold shower. 
• 6pm: I’m alone, miserable, and attempting to avoid any thoughts but only one remains. By now, it has been 18 hours without nicotine and things are about to be serious. 
• 9pm: asleep? I hope. A long day and a large dose of melatonin and more aleeve. 
• Wake five times to nightmares. 
• Did I sleep? I’m in emotional Hell where nothing makes sense and I have absolutely zero patience for anything or anyone. Once upon a time, I told Dad to f*** off while attempting to quit tobacco. I hastily fled the scene and did not return til much later. I felt horrible, but that was not me. 
• By the end of day 2: I have successfully weened off of nicotine. Unless I am in jail from choking the life out of someone who smiled at me, then I am ready to wake up the following day with a smile, once again. 

The above is dreadful. I can easily talk myself out of this nightmarish weekend experience. Therefore I have been using for almost two years in this relapse. I had gone a couple years, clean, before this era. 

…

The rewards are actually really great if I quit. It could hit every spectrum of growth: spiritual, physical, financial, mental. I want to quit; I think about it several times on a daily basis. It’s just difficult to ruin a whole weekend especially when that’s the only break between normal work hours. 

…

The prep that I had planned:

• prepare the weekend by using colon cleanse methods for a full week. 
• begin to lower my frequency (this is actually extremely difficult for me to implement) of usage throughout the week. 
• “juice” all week to feel at my best for the detox. 
• find a willing volunteer to handle my valium dosing. 
• have a Monday planned work day as off, so my entire weekend doesn’t vanish & to refresh my brain after days of Valium intake. 

…

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Any valium dolers wanna volunteer? I really don’t think I’m gonna do it this weekend. Memorial Day is soon. That is a long weekend and could be a better time. Ughh… but it won’t feel like it on that Friday either. 

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5/5/2017 Friday, 10:42pm