I got a handful of valium. Thirteen pills at 5mg – I reckon. My donor was vague, but I have tested a half-pill already (before bed) and I awoke with some sensations still apparent. For instance, I did have a slight clumsiness when I twirled the bostaff for a moment; enough so that I put it down — though nothing major. Also, water tasted delicious, sweet, and soft (like while consuming Xanex). I would imagine that food would be the same.
Tomorrow, Saturday, I plan to [perhaps] quit tobacco. I have serious doubts as I have not prepared AND I really don’t want a stupid, stressful weekend. Along with wanting to enjoy my board game night, even though valium could prove valuable, I don’t believe they would appreciate me doped to the gills. And how would I even get there?
I’ve used this trick once before. Mom, after reading this, may recall the time I explain. Yet I am uncertain how much truth I have ever spoken about this outside of a small group. I had what may have been 31 clonazepam (or 60ish – I dunno) that were weak. Sixty sounds proper. I remember eating them like candy for three days. Or rather, I recall glimpses of action and I was told about others. I quit tobacco by being in a state of blackout, basically. And I tried to play it off, but I had a few close calls.
I know that I disposed my keys; I believe I gave them to a friend. I was stuck on my parents’ property, where I was currently staying. At one point, I recall chewing two pills and not knowing if I had taken more already, but not being worried. Then I clearly remember myself and a friend being conned in to climbing atop a trailer with an extension ladder that I carried. On the way to the job, I nearly smacked the neighbor’s kid with the long ladder. Then by the grace of God didn’t fall off in the process of tarring the roof.
…my friend tells me that I showed up in the middle of the day with nothing but shorts. No shoes, socks, shirt – just short pants. Says I had scratches all over me, including my face. To get to his house, I must have stumbled through the woods without being on the path.
Seems like I lasted two years as tobacco-free afterwards.
I always wanted to do that again, but with transparency and assistance. But who wants to dole out a prescription such as this? Give me a strong dose over three days while babysitting the dopey idiot. I bet I was extremely calm for the duration.
…Every other time I quit (seven-ish times), it has been aweful. I get cold sweats, hot flashes, intense headaches, extreme temper, a ridiculously short fuse, cramps, and layers of flip-flopping emotions like depression, anxiety, and anger.
…I make it sound like coming off heroin or pain pills. And those types of addicts would laugh in my face because I don’t know what a real addiction is like. I’m not slow to agree, because mine lasts around 36 hours and theirs’ for days or weeks. And I also don’t know others who feel the same. I’m just thankful that those harder drugs didn’t stick in my repertoire.
…the way it goes if I quit at midnight, before sleeping (without good drugs):
- wake around 9am Saturday. Look around and feel akward with nothing to do with my mouth.
- Around 10am I begin to feel antzy. I take a preemptive aleeve.
- 11am: doubts arise
- Noon: I’m tapping every surface and staring into the distance with a sensation appearing in my forehead.
- 2pm: I’m pacing, sweating, looking through my stuff for something, but I don’t know what. A headache is taking form, but the aleeve is attempting to slow it.
- 4pm: I’ve just taken my first cold shower.
- 6pm: I’m alone, miserable, and attempting to avoid any thoughts but only one remains. By now, it has been 18 hours without nicotine and things are about to be serious.
- 9pm: asleep? I hope. A long day and a large dose of melatonin and more aleeve.
- Wake five times to nightmares.
- Did I sleep? I’m in emotional Hell where nothing makes sense and I have absolutely zero patience for anything or anyone. Once upon a time, I told Dad to f*** off while attempting to quit tobacco. I hastily fled the scene and did not return til much later. I felt horrible, but that was not me.
- By the end of day 2: I have successfully weened off of nicotine. Unless I am in jail from choking the life out of someone who smiled at me, then I am ready to wake up the following day with a smile, once again.
The above is dreadful. I can easily talk myself out of this nightmarish weekend experience. Therefore I have been using for almost two years in this relapse. I had gone a couple years, clean, before this era.
The rewards are actually really great if I quit. It could hit every spectrum of growth: spiritual, physical, financial, mental. I want to quit; I think about it several times on a daily basis. It’s just difficult to ruin a whole weekend especially when that’s the only break between normal work hours.
The prep that I had planned:
- prepare the weekend by using colon cleanse methods for a full week.
- begin to lower my frequency (this is actually extremely difficult for me to implement) of usage throughout the week.
- “juice” all week to feel at my best for the detox.
- find a willing volunteer to handle my valium dosing.
- have a Monday planned work day as off, so my entire weekend doesn’t vanish & to refresh my brain after days of Valium intake.
Any valium dolers wanna volunteer? I really don’t think I’m gonna do it this weekend. Memorial Day is soon. That is a long weekend and could be a better time. Ughh… but it won’t feel like it on that Friday either.
5/5/2017 Friday, 10:42pm